Stick Family

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I got this from Livi's blog and thought it was cute.

More Parenting Tips

Most of my friends know that I am on a never-ending quest for the most applicable techniques for my growing cuties. I am certainly no expert so I utilize all the sources at my fingertips to get all the help possible. Here are some new ones that I thought were worth a try:

For disciplining: Instead of threatening (which can soo easily happen, especially after a long, hard day, and when your kids are especially active), you can:

You want your child to:	Instead of this:	Say this:	Which is better because:
Go to bed and stay there	"If you get out of bed one more time, I'll scream."	"After I put you to bed, I expect you to stay there."	The expectation for the behavior is clear and unemotional.
Eat her peas and carrots	"You're going to sit at the table until you finish your peas."	"Remember — we won't have a snack before bed."	It reminds her that the kitchen's closed, but she can still choose whether or not to eat.
Brush her teeth	"No bedtime story if you don't brush your teeth."	"It's time for bed. What do you do first to get ready?"	It lets her know it's time for her bedtime routine without being punitive.
Behave in the grocery store	"Stop running now or no TV when we get home."	"Can you help me find the cereal you like?"	It distracts from the negative behavior and offers a positive alternative.
Ask without whining	"If you whine once more, I'll take your sticker book away."	"I'd like to listen, but I can only understand your normal voice."	It lets her know you're interested in what she's saying, but won't accept the tone.
Clean up her room	"No dinner until your room is clean."	"I'd like you to pick up your toys and put them in your toy chest. Do you want to do that before or after dinner?"	It makes your expectations clear, but also gives your preschooler a choice.
Stop tattling	"I'm not taking a tattletale to the playground."	"It sounds like you're upset with your sister. You need to tell her why."	It helps your preschooler understand that kids have to work it out together.
Be quiet in the car	"If you scream one more time, we'll turn around and go home."	"I'm having a hard time driving. I need to pull over until you're settled."	It lets your child know the effect, limits, and consequences of her behavior.

I was so happy when I read this becuase I can confidently say that I have successfully done 50% in this table. Yippee! Snaps for moi everyone. Of course, these have only been tested on my son. My daughter just turned 1 so I am seeing if all my tactics with my young man will work with her.

Now, to avoid spoiling?

1. Set clear, simple limits
Think of it this way: If you leave no room for reinterpretation, you save yourself arguing later. Listen to the difference between "Oh okay, you can have a cookie..." (plenty of room for hope that a second one might be okay) and "You can have one cookie, but don't ask me for a second one. This is it."

2. Stick to those limits no matter what
One really means one. It's happened to all of us: We say no to more than one cookie, and then we start second-guessing ourselves. The trick here is to take a long-term view. Maybe a second cookie really would be okay just this once, but do you really want to be second-guessed every time you set a limit? That will happen if you change your story.

3. Never give in to begging
This one's simple — once you do, you've taught your child that begging works, right?

4. Make your child convince you
If she wants something you're not sure about, ask her to make a case for it. She wants to watch a favorite TV show? If she explains that all her homework is done and she's practiced piano, you can feel comfortable saying yes.

5. Require that chores get done before fun
You don't do your child any favors by being a softy. Studies show that being strict on chores and responsibilities helps him develop the ability to cope with frustration.

6. Don't be afraid to disappoint
We hate to see our kids sad, but the Stones said it best: You can't always get what you want. And studies show that learning to accept disappointment will give your child important coping skills to deal with emotional stress later in life.

7. Let them work for what they want
Many experts believe that kids become spoiled when things come too easily, encouraging them to take those things for granted. If your child wants a new bike, set up a reward system for good behavior and let him earn it bit by bit.


I love all the points on this list and I think they are totally do-able. The only one I see a problem with is number 3 and this is because it really is so hard to refuse when you have them looking at you with huge, pleading, puppy dog eyes accompanied by the most cajoling "please?" in the universe. Sigh. Yes, I see a problem with this point.

For those of you who have tried, or want to try these out, gimme some feedback!

(Tips courtesy of Baby Center)

Long Weekend Coming

It's been a good past 2 days. Yesterday we celebrated my son's 3rd birthday. Imagine that. 3 already. How fast time flies! After much thought, we decided to keep the celebration simple. My husband and I brought him to the zoo for a birthday tour. Loving all things that are new and have to do with going out, my son had a lot of fun. We didn't bring our daughter as I was afraid she would catch something (being less than a year old).
Here's a photo of us feeding the rabbits. It's amazing how such a simple activity could bring so much enjoyment. It kind of makes you want to be a kid again. Ok, sometimes.

Today we threw him a small party at his school with all his classmates. He attends Toddler's class still so there weren't a lot of students in the class. He didn't notice this, of course. He had his classmates, presents, music, food, his sister, mommy and daddy. He was super active and having so much fun again. It kind of turned out to be a double celebration, when you think about it. Since the number was small and the kids were young, I served homemade spaghetti and chicken lollipop. For his cake, I baked chocolate cupcakes with sugar icing and candy sprinkles. I arranged 18 pieces in a round serving dish and placed 3 candles in the middle, one candle per center cupcake. It was quite successful! It looked like a Cupcake Cake. And of course, he loved it. Plus, this was much less expensive compared to even the ordinary but good cakes around. I wanted to place an actual picture here but I could not figure out how to zoom in on the cake and keep just the dish in the picture.

Instead, here are 2 pictures of cupcakes serving as birthday cakes:



These are pretty similar to what I did actually. Just imagine a much prettier, blue and white, round dish and the chocolate, candy sprinkled cupcakes arranged as they are on the picture to the right. Then I had just 3 candles for 3 cupcakes in the middle. Fantastic huh?

Well, the long weekend is coming up and I can't think of a better way to welcome it than with warm memories of my son's 3rd birthday. Now time to plan my daughter's 1st birthday coming in a few months. Waaaaaaah!!

Tips for Sanity

I am sure every parent has experienced the complete and utter frustration brought about by a misbehaving child. I know I have. Just this morning in fact. And it really does not help keep my mommy guilt at bay. So I decided to look online for reasons and tips for misbehaving kids. Naturally, the reasons were nothing new to me: insecurity, lack of attention, perhaps frustration at not being able to properly articulate a want, being too young to consistently follow rules, etc. I've heard and read it all before. So, to keep myself from going out-of-my-mind insane, I focused on tips for dealing with misbehaving kids and I found 4 tips from an article by Dr. Ayesha Amir.

Here are her tips below:

Time Out
When It Works:
Few of the authors are big fans of time out, but recommend that you use it sparingly, for “whatever you consider to be the most serious discipline situations with your child.” Time out works well when children are hitting, damaging possessions, or engaging in unacceptable acts of aggression. The “timing” of time out is critical: Adhere to the “minute per age” rule (a five-year-old gets a five-minute time out). You can also choose to give toys a time out, if a child is throwing them, or give a child’s mouth a time out if he or she is swearing or saying something hurtful.

Why It Works:
When you remove children from a situation involving others, you deprive them of attention and a chance to be where the action is.

When It Does not Work:
When it is overused. Many parents use time out as a cure for all ills, only to discover its effectiveness erodes as it becomes the automatic response to every minor infraction. Time out does not work for problems like whining or “forgetting” to pick up your toys because cause and effect are not so clear (“You are in time out because you whined” does not ring true the way “You are in time out because you hit your sister” does).
Caution: Do not use a child’s bedroom as a time out zone, assuming there are books or toys or other amusements to keep him or her happy. Choose a toy-free location that’s away from other people, but still close enough so the child “can hear what everybody’s doing but not be able to be part of it.”
Good for Ages: 3-9.

I've tried this and it is hard!! First you have to pick a spot that will be the 'time out spot' so, suffice it to say, it won't have pleasant memories attached. And then to actually pick up your wailing child and endure the screams and the tears.....slow torture. But the few times I've used it resulted in a more subdued child after picking up and one who recognized the wrong that was done, at least for a while.

Charting
When It Works:
Keeping a chart, with stickers or stars to mark behavioural improvements, works well with chronic problems like whining or messy rooms, the types of things that drive parents crazy. Among other things, charting teaches delayed gratification, “that you do not automatically get things because you are cute, but because you earned it and waited for it.” In terms of effectiveness, charts and time-outs are polar opposites: Time out does not work when you use it all the time, while charts never work unless you do!

Why It Works:
A chart is a “visual cue” for kids; they do not just hear complaints or praise, they can actually see change. It is a way to get them involved in the discipline strategy; they can help make the chart or perhaps choose a reward.

When It Does not Work:
Keeping a chart can be a difficult task for kids with attention difficulties; lots of parental involvement is needed. Parents also need to assess their own schedules; if you start a chart and do not have time to keep it up, it undercuts the message that behavioural change is important. Finally, do not start 17 charts. Your child may whine, leave dirty socks lying around, and forget to do his homework, but focus on just one behaviour problem at a time.

Caution:
Do not promise a trip out of station in return for a semester’s worth of completed homework assignments. Even cards or candy bars are the wrong incentives. The authors urge parents to use “gifts of time” to reward kids for good behaviour. A family Monopoly tournament or a prized half-hour extension on bedtime send kids the message, “When you behave nicely, I want to be with you.” If there are no behavioural improvements within a week, the chart is probably not having its intended effect.
Good for Ages: 4-12.

I haven't tried this. My kids are not withing the age group anyway. And it looks like it would be difficult to maintain if you are a working mom. Has anyone tried this? Feedback?

Logical Consequences
When It Works:
Try this when a child does not do his homework, “forgets” to clean the litter box, or refuses to eat breakfast. In a nutshell, a logical consequence is the process of discovering that if you do not eat, you will become hungry. Grades will fall if homework is not completed; the house will smell if the litter box is not changed.

Why It Works:
It allows children to learn first-hand what will (or will not) happen as a result of their actions (or inactions.) Too often parents try to protect children from the consequences of what they do, depriving them of the chance to learn important life lessons. Using a logical consequences approach to discipline eliminates power struggles between parents and kids by keeping the focus on the child’s behaviour (“I see you forgot to clean the litter box again, Saira. Gee, maybe tomorrow we will relocate it to your room since the smell apparently does not bother you.”)

When it doesn’t work:
In dangerous situations. A child caught playing with matches should not be encouraged to experience the logical consequence of getting burned.
Good for Ages: 6 and up

My kids aren't of this age group either but I've tried it a few times and it seems to work but you have to keep at it before you see the effect. The child will usually show the logical process after some repetition. Only tough part is differentiating what is understandable at younger ages.

House rules
When it works:
House rules are an effective, pro-active strategy when children know what the rules are, and what will happen if they are broken. Example: It is a house rule that homework has to be done before the TV goes on. If the homework’s not done, you lose TV privileges for a set amount of time.

Why it works:
It eliminates the need for parents to think on their feet, by making expectations within the household very clear and consistent. It also gives kids a chance to voice their opinions about what the rules should be and how they should be applied. Many families post house rules in a prominent place in the household.

When it doesn’t work:
House rules fail to improve behavior when adults make them up arbitrarily, with little or no input from children, or when they fail to follow through. If parents ignore a broken curfew, for instance, house rules will cease to have any meaning and kids will ignore them.
Good for Ages: 4 and up.

I use this a lot, and for the most part, it works. But consistency really is key and this is hard to monitor if you are out of the house and your kids are with their yaya's. I try to keep everything written down, simple, in Filipino, and easily accessible (like on the fridge) for easy reference. I also try not to expect the yaya's to remember too much. Simple rules like eating schedules, play time, tv time, and reading time are usually easy to leave to someone else to follow.

I know there are probably volumes worth of other advice and tips out there. These are welcome. I am always open to new, possibly easier, and possibly more effective tips for dealing with misbehaving kids.

A Thick Silver Lining

Ok, so I've been hobbling around on this sprain for 2 weeks now and I can say I abhor the fact that I cannot do the things I normally do- mundane things like doing the grocery or fixing the meal. I can't even visit my son's room as often as I would like because it's a whole extra flight of stairs up, and this is bloody difficult on crutches. But there have been some surprisingly pleasant things that have happened over the weekend that made me forget (ok, just for a few hours anyway) just how handicapped I am at the moment.

Saturday evening my sister-in-law celebrated her 39th birthday with a big party. My son, having just recovered from a cough and fever, was excited to be able to join the festivities for the night. He was bouncy and lively and chirpy. The funniest moment was when we were called to start getting food. He came up to me and said (complete with zealous arm gestures) "Come on Mommy. Let's go Mommy." I answered and said "Ok, can you please help mommy? Can you give Mommy her crutches?" These were leaning against the sofa. He nodded and said "ok mommy". Then he marched his 2.11 year old self to where my crutches were standing, held them by the sides and gave them to me with a big grin. Then, he waited for me to position myself before he started walking to the buffet table beside me. Isn't that just too cute and sweet? Really.

Next pleasant event. I usually do the groceries twice a month and I have a very strict budget. If I go over the budget, I have to make instant decisions about which item(s) to remove from my shopping cart. Usually, I think about what I currently have, if this is enough to last through to the next period, or if I no longer have, it can I do without it for the meantime, etc. Obviously this entails knowing more or less what you have and don't have. This has always been my arena. Not that my husband never showed interest. It just seemed easier and more natural for me to take control of it since I'm more detail-oriented and the one who does the shopping in general. Since I am currently on crutches, my hubby had to do the groceries this weekend. To prepare him, I told him that there was a strict budget and that if he should go over this he would have to make instant decisions as to what to leave out. I also gave him a detailed grocery list. He brought his 13 year old niece with him, spent roughly 2 hours in the grocery, called me about 10 times to verify certain items, but came home p450 under the budget!! I was so proud. And, despite his comments about how lost he would have been without his niece and how long it took to park and how long the cashier lines were, I think he enjoyed the experience.
The cherry on my Sunday happened in the evening of the same day. I had to put my daughter to sleep as her yaya was watching my son, whose yaya had to leave for a few hours to attend to family issues. Unfortunately, this happened at the same time as dinner- and I had not prepped anything. Imagine my surprise when my hubby says "You want me to cook?". Of course I acted as nonchalantly as I could (he's not very big on making big deals out of things) and told him to go ahead. He prepared fried rosemary chicken and Nido soup. His niece helped again but the effort of defrosting, marinating, frying, setting, everything that goes into creating a meal, which he hardly ever has a hand in, was a very big deal. Snaps for my hubby!!

The positivity was plentiful over the weekend.

Of Children and Husbands

I read a post from http://www.livingorsurviving.com on why we love the person we love and it really took my breath away. Let me outline the points I found particularly interesting and why.

When we’re little, our mother is the center of our attention, and we are the center of hers. So our mother’s characteristics leave an indelible impression, and we are forever after attracted to people with her facial features, body type, personality, even sense of humor. If our mother was warm and giving, as adults we tend to be attracted to people who are warm and giving. If our mother was strong and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates.

The mother has an additional influence on her sons: she not only gives them clues to what they will find attractive in a mate, but also affects how they feel about women in general. So if she is warm and nice, her sons are going to think that’s the way women are. They will likely grow up warm and responsive lovers and also be cooperative around the house.

Conversely, a mother who has a depressive personality, and is sometimes friendly but then suddenly turns cold and rejecting, may raise a man who becomes a ‘dance-away lover.’ Because he’s been so scared about love from his mother, he is afraid of commitment and may pull away from a girlfriend for this reason.

While the mother determines in large part what qualities attract us in a mate, it’s the father–the first male in our lives–who influences how we relate to the opposite sex. Fathers have an enormous effect on their children’s personalities and chances of marital happiness.

Just as mothers influence their son’s general feelings toward women, fathers influence their daughter’s general feelings about men. If a father lavishes praise on his daughter and demonstrates that she is a worthwhile person, she’ll feel very good about herself in relation to men. But if the father is cold, critical or absent, the daughter will tend to feel she’s not very lovable or attractive.

I have 2 kids; a son and a daughter. You can imagine why this excerpt was very interesting to me. I knew even before I had my kids that parents affect their future relationships in many ways. But the difference is the reality that now I am a mom and what I do, how and who I am, can directly affect my little boy. This is scary, very scary. I am not the most easygoing person. Neither do I think I am particularly extroverted. I can be exacting as well. And I am a self-confessed nerd, bookworm, geek. I often place a lot of weight on knowledge and logic and reason. But I try not to judge people as best I can, and I am working everyday on seeing the positive in the situations I find myself in. It is scary to think that my son can use me, and all my neuroses, as a benchmark for what he would want for his future wife/mate/partner or that he can turn out as a reaction to who and how I am. For my son, I would hope for a woman who would bring out the best in him, inspire him, and love and be faithful to him. I would also like for him to love knowledge but to be open to experiences that could give him knowledge books never could, to be more sociable and not so uptight when he grows up. Gosh, I hope I am not damaging him in any way.
My daughter's development is of equal concern to me. My husband is very extroverted, not much of a bookworm or an academic even, very free with rules and ideas, and has a tendency to lean on self-centerdness and selfishness. Now, this is in no way meant to bring him down. But naturally, for my daughter, I would want for her to grow up with a thirst for knowledge and pushing the boundaries to become anything she wants to be, to have clear limitations, clear ideas of what would acceptable and unacceptable to her, and one who would be capable of loving greatly. As for an ideal mate, I would hope for a person with much the same qualities as the person I wish for my son- someone who would inspire her and bring out the best in her, someone who would love and be faithful to her. I hope my husband inspires her to be these things.

Or as George Burns, who was Jewish and married the Irish Catholic Gracie Allen, used to say: his marriage was his favorite gig, even though it was Gracie who got all the laughs. The two of them did share certain social similarities–both grew up in the city, in large but poor families. Yet what really drew them together was evident from the first time they went on stage together. They complemented each other perfectly: he was the straight man, and she delivered the punch lines.

This excerpt was what spoke to me the most. I believe my husband and I are rather opposite in most our ways but that these traits not only make the relationship interesting but also make us complement each other in our own unique way. Even if he sometimes wishes for more commonality, and I sometimes agree that some arguments would be easier resolved if the just automatically agreed, I still end up thinking that they way we are and who we are is what makes "us" work the way we do. And that differences aren't necessarily bad. And that there can definitely be beauty in discord. I am hoping that I am showing and convincing my husband of these points every day we spend together and every time we work to make our relationship better.

Happy Birthday Hunny!

HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY HUNNY!!!

It's my husband's 30th birthday today. Wow. I met him when he was 21! It's funny how fast time flies. And amazing how we've been able to spend so many years together, despite all the trials and challenges. I hope that he spends some time reflecting on the next decade of his life and how he can do and be a better person on the whole. I know he will come to his own realizations and I know that these will have meaning.
On a different note, I ended up giving him an overnight bag. A really nice one that fit my budget. I'll post a picture of the bag soon. Hopefully, we'll have a chance to use it and go out of town sometime this year. I think it would be great for us to have some alone time together as well. But that's a different topic altogether.
So, Happy Birthday again Hunny! Kisses!
picture

Gift Ideas

Now that my birthday has come and gone, it's time to focus on my hubby's birthday. I am a lover of gifts so I usually want to give people really good gifts as well. Unfortunately, my budget is minuscule this year. Which is depressing. I did get some great ideas from my friend, Jo, who lives in the States. This one I really liked. It's apparently one of Oprah's favorite things this year. It retails at $385 which is about 17k in pesos. Not bad for a good watch but still way out of my budget. If I did have the budget though I would definitely get this for him, even if he doesn't like wearing watches in general, because I think it would look great on him.
For anyone interested in ToyWatch, you can check out the other styles offered here.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to us! We've been through a lot of a relatively young couple and still we are together. Here's to staying that way! Cheers!

(Image found here.)

Anniversary

We're nearing our 3rd year anniversary. I wonder what the plan will be for that day. We will have been married for 3 years and together as a couple a grand total of 9 years! It seems like yesterday when we met and got together. *sigh

Near Valentine's Day

It's near the day of hearts and anyone who knows me knows that this is one of my mandatory 4 days in a year for celebration and gifts. I know, I know. A lot of people find this day so commercialized and consider it a money-making day for establishments more than anything else. Frankly, I don't care. I really believe I have a hopeless romantic hidden somewhere deep inside of me and that hopeless romantic looooves expressions of love and romance. And so I am hoping my hubby does something for me. It really doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. It could be the simplest thing just to be romantic. Let's keep our fingers crossed!!

(By the way, the picture beside looked like how I want my hubby to be on Valentine's.)

And the Baby is Born

(this image comes from here)

I am now a mother of 2 adorable children- officially. So many thoughts are running through my mind. Her coming was an unexpected blessing. And I am overwhelmed. Will I be able to successfully raise 2 beautiful kids? 1 is already a challenge. And in today's fast-paced, price- ricing scene- the challenge is an ever-rising mountain. Thankfully I have a supportive husband who deals with my moods, takes my word for it when it comes to mommy tasks (well, most of the time anyway), and just tries to still surround me with humor and light. I am looking forward to my son's and daughter's many tomorrows.