Mid-Month post and Moving On post

Funny how my 1st July post is about my last day at work. I could write paragraphs and paragraphs about it all but the best way to describe how I fell right now is through these lyrics:

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.


Although this is the first time I have left a job without a safety net...ever, I don't regret the decision. I am slightly afraid about the future but a friend told me not too long ago to be happy and not to worry too much bout the tomorrows lest I forget to enjoy today. SO that's what I am doing.

Decisions, Decisions

Funny how the universe works. Since last year, I've been trying to be conscious of the messages of the universe. I've been trying to learn the lesson lest the test be given again. I though, work-wise, I had gotten it. Lately though, I am thinking I probably haven't. So I've come to a decision. A major one for me. I think I'm going to cut back on work hours, try to come up with a business instead of going to an office, and spend more time at home, with the kids, and the hubby, an myself. At least for a while. This was a tough decision to come to. Anyone who knows me well would understand. But I am thinking that maybe this is the way to go for now. Maybe the reason I've been encountering only roadblocks is because I chose the wrong road. I am nt sure how this will play out. It's different from any course I've ever considered. But I am hoping for new, better, good changes. So I'm struggling to the finish line (for this period of my life anyway), counting the minutes and the seconds before I am "free". Wish me luck all!

Running on Fumes

I've been hesitant about writing a work-related post of late because I don't want to appear like the whinny, ungrateful type. But I think I am fast-approaching the tip of my patience iceberg.
I've said many times that I am up for the challenge of an operations position. It's been something I've always wanted to do, to get some experience in, to learn from. But I think the saying "be careful what you wish for" could not be more apt to my situation right now.
My account is a production account. When I first heard that I thought, OK, numbers. But I never dreamed it would be the white collar equivalent to a blue collar job. I can count the weeks since March when I didn't render more than 1 hour overtime. I don't mind but almost every week for almost 4 months now? I think it's too much. I rarely get to see my kids because I get home super tired and wake up late, just in time to go to work. Half of the weekend is spent recovering from the exhausting week. I've tried to comfort myself by saying that's the way it is with an operations start-up account, but almost everyone I've asked has said this is abnormal and too much. I am stretched. And even if it isn't because of disillusionment, lack of appreciation, being maligned, it is still exhausting and I am getting fed up.
Will I ever find a job I can love? I don't expect perfection, just a balance of work fulfillment and a personal life. Is that too much to ask for?

I Can Feel It...

...the moment when I have to choose between one or the other role I play is fast approaching. Which should I choose? And, more importantly, what should I remembrance to include when negotiating for that change?

Another Job Update

I haven't been able to blog for a loing time!! I've been really busy. I guess this is better than being really bored. Things have been 50/50 at work. Ok, more 60/40. I got some good news from the client last week. It looks like they might want me to focus on training and doing some alley big things for them. This is great since I prefer that part of my job. I'll miss my team of course. The operations aspect is also good training ground so that I will miss as well. I would really like to focus on training though. It's a lot more fun. It hasn't been confirmed but I am keeping my fingers crossed. I'll let you all know!

The Darling Buds of May

I should be enjoying this month. I like to think of it as 'MY' month- since it's my birth month. The past years, I would create any excuse to lengthen my birthday celebration. From extending a day to a week to include a weekend celebration, to just saying that the whole month was mine. Suffice it so say, I love to love May.
This year, though, I was a bit anxious about May. Considering it's been quite a tumultuous first quarter, I wasn't sure how I would feel or what mood I would be in come the first day of May. Well, I know now.
I'm kind of tired. Operations is challenging but also a bit boring. There is frustration that comes with dealing with people who have mostly their numbers and point of view only in sight. There is also a certain sense of powerlessness, a lack of control over your time, the amount of effort you put in, and your say in general, even in middle management. At the end of the day, it is about following the higher-ups. And until I am one of those higher-ups, my operations life will be a form of endless dictation, hours, and running to meet expectations. I am not sure if all operations experiences is like this. This is my first time to hold this kind of position after all. But, from what I gathered through informal conversations with friends who have been doing this kind of work for a while, well, this is it.
So, I am again leaning more towards the training aspect of my job. I've discovered that the learning, the interaction, the positivity are all more appealing and more satisfying to me than managing a team of people. I am also hoping that, in time, through effort and passion, I will be able to manage a team again but a team of trainers. I am seriously thinking about how to make this a reality now or in the near future.
Today is the 1st of May, Labor Day. I have a long work day tonight. I have a heavy load to manage and complete before the weekend. Next week, the clients and board of directors are going to be here to observe and decide if we are doing a good job and if they will keep their business with us. I am not liking the beginning of May much, at this point. But I am hopeful things will start to look up soon.

Stuck Between A Rock and A Hard Place

There are times when logic ad emotion really war with each other and this is one of those times for me.
Background: For the past 2.5-3 weeks, we have been given way more work that our capacity. And this is not a measly 20% spillage. Try 93% over! So, understandably, my new Olivia, myself, and the other TL were very upset. This meant extended hours for the whole team, and hours exceeding 3 past log out time, everyday. The team was tired and reaching burn out- so close from the live date. So, my new Olivia brought it up with management and was told, in a nutshell, to handle stress better.
Now: I will be having a meeting with the team and the OM in a couple of hours and I'm stuck in a rut. One side of me really doesn't like what has been happening. That side of me constantly screams, if you let them do it to you once, they will keep doing it to you. If you show them you can do more than what you can actually do, regardless if this is a one-time thing, they will assume that this is the norm. Past experiences taught me this. The other side of me was screaming, CALM DOWN. Remember logic and reason always work best. From past experiences again, no one likes an emotional, angry outburst in a meeting.
Dilemma: My new Olivia wants me to be adamant and exuberant about my feelings and opinions during the meeting. To her, this is showing them that she wasn't over-reacting. Anything short of this would be "folding". But, I don't want to be this person. In private conversations, sure. That's why they're expressed there- because they are private. But not to the rest of the management team. I think it's bad form. So, how to strike a balance between showing my new Olivia that I do agree with her about what has been happening, at the same time, not alienate the OM and the rest of upper management?

Waaaah! My politicking skills are really bad at that! Keep your fingers crossed for me, y'all! Will update soon.

You Can't Have It All

Remember me raving about how fulfilled I was with my new job. Well, that remains so in some parts but in others...these parts leave much to be desired, to say the least. This has cemented my belief in the saying "you can't have it all." This is true. But, at the same time as suffering through the slip side of an otherwise great coin, I have also come to realize that I do like training so much more than other areas of production. Does this mean that that area is my specific calling? i don't know. I still think I need some polishing in that respect but I am excited about the prospect of a new training course I am giving in a couple of weeks. I am excited about this more than my daily tasks, to be quite honest. So I guess the next and natural step would be to look for something in the line of training, coaching, and communication. Funny how things work out and what you realize as life progresses.

I am hoping the operations side of my job will improve. If not, well, 10 more months. Keep your fingers crossed for me guys.

Job Update

We're well into doing 100% production in my team now. I must say, it's harder in reality than it looks on paper. I don't know if I am doing a good job managing. I don't have too much experience with this. Plus, I've believed for a while now that I am not that great with people. So it's a real change for me. So far, my team seem to be enjoying themselves despite the load. There are always ready smiles and stories to share over ciggie break. I hope this keeps up. I must say the training aspect of my job is easier. Perhaps it's because I've had more experience with that. I have to remember everything I learned from my previous company! Lessons learned must always be kept and used. Universe, oh universe. Funnily enough, as a little side note, I thought I would veer away from jobs that had me doing a whole lot- some of this from scratch even, without much organization, with little support and little leeway. I did stumble on something with more support, a lot more leeway, certainly a lot more trust and belief in my abilities, but still with that lack of organization and doing things from scratch. Funny indeed. What was it about being attracted to certain things? Hmmm.. something to think about again.

End of Month # 1

OK, this has been a month of adjustments for me. As some might know, I have a new job that involves 2 roles- one in Operations and one in Training. I must say, now that I have been immersed in both, that I enjoy the Training role more. Maybe it's too soon to tell. Maybe it's the transition period. I don't know. Well, you can't have it all I suppose. And this IS good experience for me. I wish I had the ladies around though. It would be good to vent or even just talk over some things with them. Those conversations were always therapeutic. I haven't had access to the Net for a week or so which is why I feel kind of disconnected. I really have to do something about that. Anyway, fingers crossed guys that month 2 goes well.

After Training

I just gave my first, full training session...and I think it was a success! A big THANK YOU to Meg, Anya, Avril, and Liv for helping me out. It would not have happened without your help, Ladies.

It was scary and exciting both at the same time. I had been waiting for a chance to prove that I am not all air for the longest time, and here it was. The feeling was indescribable. As the days progressed, I found myself looking with wonder at these people who were looking back at me with 100% trust and positive expectation. The participants were lively, humorous, participative, and energetic. They asked good questions, listened attentively, were always on time, and expressed regret at the end of the session that the whole thing had come to a close. Feedback forms have been nothing but positive. I am truly overwhelmed. I mentioned to Livi today how this could all be not too good for my narcissism rehabilitation, but honestly, I am looking at it with awe and appreciation and I am holding the whole thing with care and taking none of it for granted. So, I think the vanity in me is safely, and will be safely, contained.

For the first time in a long time, I feel satisfied and fulfilled. I feel that I ended three tiring but full and productive days, with work done that mattered to people other than myself. When Meg said, "You are the culture they will be borne into", I trembled with fear. Now, I am thinking, that might not be so bad after all.

New Beginnings

So, the past few days have been super hectic for me. I thought I would be free for a longer period but I was wrong. Happily, I have found new, interesting employment a stone's throw away from my previous work place. I didn't stray too far. But this wasn't intentional. If I were a superstitious person, I would say that the little city where I've been working for the past 4 years now is actually a lucky one for me opportunity-wise. Isn't it great? I do miss me free time, especially since I was able to do so much with my kids. But I think the turn of events is beneficial to all. I am keeping all fingers and toes crossed that this will be exactly that.

The new job is a challenge. It is actually a combination of what I've been doing for the past 3 or so years plus more. I am excited and afraid at the same time. All my old insecurities and defenses are fighting to break free from the tight reign I have over them. But, as I told Livi last week, I am determined to start this new chapter in a positive way, thinking and feeling positive. She said my career from now on will be exactly how I make it. A scary and exhilarating thought at the same time. New people, new tasks, no impressions, no judgments, no prejudices, but a lot of expectation. I am looking forward to this next year's journey.

Another thing that pleases me immensely is that I will still be able to meet with the Ladies frequently. It won't be the same, granted, but it will be closer than if I were working in Makati. I think these meetings will help keep me grounded and will help me remember that I CAN do whatever I need to do. I didn't realize how much strength I took from these women until they weren't around anymore. Plus, nobody likes food as much in my new work place which is super sad for me.

So, wish me luck all! I want to make this next year, at least, a great one!

"Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End"

It's been quite a turbulent past few days for me. So many things happened that made me question EVERYTHING I had been living by for the past 4 years. I was ready to exercise that age-old description of me being "strong" and "bold" yet at the same time I often found myself scared to the point of cadaver-like coldness and the icky feeling of wanting to throw up. I questioned motives, reasons, promises, what I'd been told, friends, colleagues, strangers. I can safely say, these are too many things for any one person to think about all at once. I wouldn't recommend it. But I found myself in this very predicament last week.

It's all over now, in a bittersweet way. I've loved my place of work for so long. I think of the people in my department as sisters. I have shared a lot of my life with them. It is painful to have that all end. Last week, I felt as if I had just been told that you no longer have a room in your house and therefore would need to pack up. There was hardly any time to adjust, to think, but there was a lot of time to feel. And I felt bad 99% of the time. I felt disposed of, thrown away, tossed aside. Today, after discussions, I am relieved that there was no war, no fights, no recriminations; that things were resolved amicably, much like a divorce, without the acrimony.

So now I am left with sadness and happiness- two completely opposite feelings present in my head and heart at the same time. What to do? Anyone who knows me knows I hate goodbyes. It's so hard for me to let anything close to the heart go. And now I have to let a whole lot go. I can hear the cracks. At the same time, I am happy to be rid of the uncertainty, the shadows, feelings of inadequacy and lack of appreciation. It's a strange mix. I am looking forward to moving on but I am apprehensive about saying goodbye. Sigh. Another difficulty of life.

To all my ladies, you know who you are, don't lose touch! Remember ME, ME, ME! And smile.

Off

I've been feeling kinda off lately. Not angry, not depressed, just...off. I know I am usually better at articulating things but I can't seem to put my finger on this. I don't know if it's a cyclical thing, since I seem to feel odd at certain times of the year (I haven't pinpointed if it's every month). It's annoying.

I feel like nothing really is fitting the way it should. Not at work, not at home, not alone even. I feel overworked when talking about what I am doing now, except what I am doing now is only a little more than half of what I used to do. I feel out of sync when I get home, like I am not doing everything I should be doing, like the house is disorganized and I don't see my kids or hubby, and the rest of the time I feel like I'm invisible because I spend so many hours away from home. When I'm alone, my mind wanders to places known and unknown but not very useful. It's indescribable at the moment.
Is it restlessness? it is dissatisfaction? Is it psychosis?

Irritation Again

I was just commenting to some of my friends in the office that this week has been soooooo long. I've been feeling really exhausted lately, over the past few days to be exact. But the exhaustion isn't a physical one in the sense that I don't feel like I'm ready to collapse. It's more a fatigue like I am floating through the day, hanging on to a vine here and there, just to get to the end of the day. What does that mean?
It's no secret that I haven't been too happy work-wise for the past couple of months. But, as the saying goes, you can't have it all. And there are just some things you have to suck your gut over and do because, well, that's life. No matter how much it grates and no matter how many chalkboards with nails running over you try to avoid, you will encounter things and situations you don't like. So I've been trying to make the most out of the situation by focusing on the things I find are positive. Admittedly, I am not very successful with this at times. But I do think I am getting better. For someone who has every single emotion plastered on her face the moment it's processed by the brain, I think I've been relatively calm lately. Until today.
I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist necessarily but I don't like to do things half-baked, regardless of whether I like or dislike the project. So it goes totally against the grain when there is even a whiff of dissatisfaction over my performance. And it makes it 100% (multiplied to the nth degree) more difficult to do something you don't really like doing and to do it well. I've been fighting off the feeling of being unappreciated because, let's face it, you can't expect a pat on the back all the time. You can't even expect it a lot. Plus, my brain knows more and knows that it isn't about not being appreciated. But my emotions are stubbornly unwilling to follow my brain lately and it's frankly wearing me out. It leaves me with dangerously low reserves to do what I have to do everyday. AAAAHHH! I am whining again. And I don't even know if this post makes sense. I am sure it's going to read like a sensesless ramble. Maybe I'm the drama queen Am loves to roll her eyes over and avoid. AAAAHHH!!!

Sadness and Goodbyes

It's funny how goodbyes are. I've never really liked them. Some people deal with them really well. They look at them as the natural evolution of things in life. I just see them as separation from something that is or has become dear to you in some way. I don't want to appear mushy but I am awfully affected by friends who say goodbye. In my office, I work with a lot of fantastic people. Non-conformist, brilliant, funny, disturbed all rolled into one. But I really only socialize with a handful of them- by socializing I mean exchanging more than the usual chit chat and pleasantries. Perhaps it has something to do with my introverted personality but over the almost 4 years I have been working at my office, I can say that I have developed some good friendships, with people I really admire. Because of this, I am greatly affected when anyone from that handful decides that it's time to leave. One already did so early this year (that was hard) and now three of my friends are deciding to do the same (for their own important, individual reasons) in the last quarter of this year and the first quarter of next year. I think it's more than I can take. I've prided myself over being tough, and strong, and hardy in times of adversity. But these imminent goodbyes make me just want to cry. Literally. The song 'Closing Time' has a clincher line that goes "every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end." This is really good for them. New beginnings for bigger and better things are always things to look forward to and be happy about. But I'm just sad. Sad, sad, sad. Sigh.

Signposts

I was out with the hubby last night in Tiendesitas, winding down for the day over beer (for him) and coffee (for me), and we got to talking about careers. I told him how, when I was much younger, my favorite movies were Working Girl (with Harrison Ford, Melanie Griffith, and Sigourney Weaver) and Baby Boom (with Diane Keaton). For those who are not familiar with these movies, they share one theme: women who become high-powered corporate big shots, with careers they love and work hard for, on their terms. I recall in the last scene of Working Girl, Melanie Griffith sitting down and relishing her new, big, corner office in a multi-national company. I also remember thinking to myself that one day that would be me. Fast forward to today and that is the farthest picture from my reality. So I asked my hubby if, somewhere down the road, I missed a sign or a turn to that corner office. It's not that I don't like my job. In fact, my job works well with my personal life at the moment. It's just that I'd always wanted that corner office. I still do. And these days, it feels like I am just getting further and further away from it.
The conversation turned to other people and their fast-paced careers and I told him that what I observed from these people was the sole, focused drive to reach that goal, sacrificing a lot on the way there. I realized that I might have gotten to that office faster if I had been more willing to do away with even just half of my concerns. The biggest concern is, of course, my kids. Enter, mommy guilt. I told him that I had decided that I wanted to spend as much time with them as I could and that I didn't think that the sacrifice of that time was worth it. Not surprisingly, he told me to focus on my career and not to worry about the kids. I will always be their mom, he said, and they would understand when they are older, why I needed to spend some time away from them. He said that I needed to do this for myself if a career was what I really wanted.
I don't know. I don't know today any more than I knew last night. I am stuck. I want the office and the kids. The quintessential "everything" a woman supposedly cannot have. What do I do?
If there were or are signposts, I hope they show themselves with bright neon lettering. Because I need some help, and the clock is ticking.

Serenity

Full Original Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

I've been praying this prayer a lot over the past week, well, at least the first part. Which is lucky for me since I don't like the use of "reasonably" in the second part of prayer. It's been working 9/10 times in helping me fall asleep. My mind just works and works even when I am not doing anything and this is even more so if I am particularly stressed about something (and I've had a number of somethings the past few days). I found this quote online today:

The teacher is within,
So you have to learn to be still.
You have to live your life
So that you are listening within
No matter what you are doing.
-Bartholomew

I am hoping this will be additional help. So far no effect though. *Sigh

New Beginnings

I am so thrilled. I have been thinking for some time now about a change in what I've been doing work-wise. Thing is, I've always thought that there really wasn't much else I could be doing in the office as there are no new openings as far as I know. Fortunately, Livi was two steps ahead yet again and had a great alternative for me. I'm now going to be dealing with QA processes - documentation and improvement. For someone who loves flowcharts and organizing, documenting, and improvement, this is really something up my alley. I am thrilled. I hope I do a good job.

For Nuni and Nunu

And in honor of the resident travelers Nuni and Nunu. Here is a strip that appears to be a visual representation of an entry in their blog.