Tests and Lessons Learned

Livi texted me a quote from Paolo Coelho a few days ago that really struck a chord. It went "Just before a dream is fulfilled, the Soul of the World decides to test everything that was learned on the journey." This got me thinking, hard. Of course, it didn't help that I consider this time in my life as a crossroads of sorts. And I wanted to pass the test, to know the lessons in the experiences, because, honest to God, I don't want to be tested on this again!!!

So, here's what I came up with:

1. I guess I AM Idealistic. But not without seeing things as they are as well. Therefore, a job in monitoring or training really fits my personality. I suppose I should focus on this. And I guess this is sort of me knowing what I want to do. Finally. Well, work-wise at least.
2. Loans (unless they are made for medical or educational emergencies) are EVIL! I am actually glad I was able to get a substantial amount as severance pay. Because of this, my loan, which would have been payable for 1.5 more years, is now almost fully paid. I am happy that I can really and truly start to save sooner than I thought.
3. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Cliche but true. I really ought to stop trying to do everything and just delegate. This way appreciation, experience, and accountability is learned. To be fair, no one forced me to act that way. I just thought and decided that it was the best way. But I have since then learned that it cannot just be ME, even when it actually can. Does this make sense at all?
4. At the same time, I must look out for me. I must not take anything for granted, enjoy the enjoyable, be wary of the dangerous. No one else can do this.
5. I relish my free time- with my kids, my hubby, and myself.
6. |True friends are hard to find. So when you find them, do your best to keep them.

I am sure there are more lessons there but nothing comes to mind now. I wonder when the deadline for realizing these things is. I hope this isn't soon because I really don't want to be tested again. Seriously.

This is a Sweet Award

I have bever thought of myself as the "best mom". Not by a long shot. I do the best I can, yes, and I hope for the best after that. But that's as far as I've gone using taht word. So it was sweet to receive this award from Ceemee.

Here are the rules:
1. Show the award logo in your post.
2. Pick a picture you have with your kiddo/s.
3. Post should include your best experience as a Mom.
4. Nominate other blogger moms out there that you consider the best mom, like yourself.

Now, I don't have one best experience as a mom. I think the whole journey is one big experience with a whole bunch of stars to emphasize great moments. I love it when my kids jump with joy when they see me, or clamor to get a hug and a kiss, or ar so excited when we go uot, even if it's just to the 7-11 around the corner. I love it when they ask me to read to them and when they gurgle with joy when I tickle them. I love when they say 'yummy' to the simple dishes I prepare, or smack their lips over a goody I've baked. I love bathing them, tucking them into bed, dressing them up. Who would have thought that I would love all these things? If you had asked me or any of my friends 10 years ago, we all would have said 'Impossible!'. Now, it's impossible not to have that reality.

I don't post pictures of myself and my kids so I'm gonna have to skip that rule.

I am passing this awatrd to:
1. Livi of Beauty and Madness
2. Ree of Slice of Pie
3. Anya of New Leaf

Have fun mommies!

This is Me now?

You Are A Thoughtful Idealist

You are scared of new experiences. It's hard for you to break outside of your comfort zone. You like to think that people see you as dramatic and fascinating. You do your best to seem mysterious. You are a very romantic person. You can't help but see the world as it should be. Right now, stress occasionally makes you feel trapped in your life. You usually have a clear perspective on things though! Overall, your life is calm and steady. Not much stirs you, and each day is full of joy. You are extremely optimistic about the future. You feel like things are always getting better.

The Castle Personality Test

Interesting way to see things at this point huh?

Re-adjustments

So, now I am finding out how prolonged distance from fast Internet is detrimental to my health. I was used to 2, maybe 3 days in a row, but more than a week is getting tough. I think I really need to figure out how to get my Internet connection and my PC up and running at home again. Sigh.

The job hunt thing is tiring too. I think it's because I still am not too clear about what I want to do. It is kind of reminding me of high school graduation, when I had to decide what course to put down on my college application. Except I didn't have the 4 years to think it over. AAArrrggghhh!

Finally, the heat is sweltering! I thought summer would begin at the end of next month. I was waiting for the 2nd wave of that previous cold front but I guess it decided to skip the P.I. altogether. I can't stand heat!!

Breathe Vicki.

Chapter 2

I packed up yesterday and now my days are relatively free. I am trying to enjoy them. I've been groaning for free time for the longest time and now I have it, so I suppose I should make the most out of it before I have to go to work again.

I've been spending more time with my kids and I love it. It's tiring. A different kind of tiring from office work but I love being able to see them all the time and to watch them experience new things and to have them be able to tell me about them almost immediately. I am actually thinking of looking for something flexible work-wise. I am really trying to think out how to make this so. Maybe this realization is a blessing from this whole experience, a blessing I've been waiting to see. Who knows?

So, in line with my new, free schedule, here are some things I want to do asap:

1. Play with my kids more. Have meals with them.
2. Sign up for the gym.
3. Bake new recipes.
4. See old friends I haven't been able to see because of my previous work schedule.
5. READ!!!

I think I am seeing a few more good things as I go along.

"Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End"

It's been quite a turbulent past few days for me. So many things happened that made me question EVERYTHING I had been living by for the past 4 years. I was ready to exercise that age-old description of me being "strong" and "bold" yet at the same time I often found myself scared to the point of cadaver-like coldness and the icky feeling of wanting to throw up. I questioned motives, reasons, promises, what I'd been told, friends, colleagues, strangers. I can safely say, these are too many things for any one person to think about all at once. I wouldn't recommend it. But I found myself in this very predicament last week.

It's all over now, in a bittersweet way. I've loved my place of work for so long. I think of the people in my department as sisters. I have shared a lot of my life with them. It is painful to have that all end. Last week, I felt as if I had just been told that you no longer have a room in your house and therefore would need to pack up. There was hardly any time to adjust, to think, but there was a lot of time to feel. And I felt bad 99% of the time. I felt disposed of, thrown away, tossed aside. Today, after discussions, I am relieved that there was no war, no fights, no recriminations; that things were resolved amicably, much like a divorce, without the acrimony.

So now I am left with sadness and happiness- two completely opposite feelings present in my head and heart at the same time. What to do? Anyone who knows me knows I hate goodbyes. It's so hard for me to let anything close to the heart go. And now I have to let a whole lot go. I can hear the cracks. At the same time, I am happy to be rid of the uncertainty, the shadows, feelings of inadequacy and lack of appreciation. It's a strange mix. I am looking forward to moving on but I am apprehensive about saying goodbye. Sigh. Another difficulty of life.

To all my ladies, you know who you are, don't lose touch! Remember ME, ME, ME! And smile.

I am Sober

I loved this song around 6-7 years ago. I don't think a young person now would even know it. But today, I remembered it.

Girl meets boy, girl goes crazy
Boy looks away, she gets her heart broken
No words are spoken
Boy comes back and acts
As if everything is cool
Soon she's got him back on a pedestal
She only sees what she wants to see
Love is blind, love is so misleading

(CHORUS)
I see the light, oh what a light
And I am sober
All that you served to me
No longer will I drink it in
I took the time to think it over
I see the you that I never knew
Now it's finally sinking in
I am sober

Girl wakes up and smells the coffee one day
Realizes she's on her own again
All alone again
Boy takes every opportunity
To play on every insecurity
Get her back on track
She's in a daze, back in the fire
But will she cave into her old desires

It holds entirely new meaning for me today. I don't think it will ever mean anything else.

How tiring to be disappointed.

Color Quiz

I seem to be addicted to these online tests. The result of this one was pretty interesting.

vicki took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Takes easily and quickly to anything which provide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I don't agree with everything but there are a lot of pretty accurate comments as well. I won't divulge percentages. That would really be an over-share.

What do you guys think?

From My Lips to God's Ears

Please let it be ok.
No, please let it be more than ok.
Please let it be great!
Please don't let it be a replay of years ago.
Please let it be a path to somewhere new and better.
Please, please, please God. Don't let me make a stupid ass out of myself.
Thank you in advance.
Amen.