Monday, April 21, 2008

Alone Again(?) or At Last (?)

The big move was 2 days ago. My husband, kids, and I are now officially on our own, literally. The house feels strange. It feels quiet and calm, which it hasn't been for a while. And, at the same time, it feels empty. I'm surprised considering this was something I've been wanting for so long. Now that it is here, it feels different than what I expected. I don't think what I am feeling now is necessarily a bad thing. After all, if you spend a significant amount of time with people you love, you are bound to feel some emptiness when they go, regardless of whether you wanted them to go or not. It just feels strange. I don't have regrets. On that topic, I mostly have sadness at the manner from which the departure came. But there is no time to dwell on sadness, I suppose. I am admittedly a bit intimidated by the vastness of the independence we now have. There is a lot of room now but none for excuses. Now, the canvas really is blank and ready for a painting to be created. And now, full focus has to go into making that creation beautiful, or at least something real, and made out of love. This part is the exciting and scary part. I am praying the transition is into a new, better, real family life.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Role Reversal

Do you ever feel like sometimes you are the Parent and your Parent(s) the child/children? I seem to be feeling that a lot these past few months. It's led me to think deeply if what I believe and stand by make sense or if I am being an unreasonable, narrow-minded person.
I was discussing this topic with Livi the other day and I was telling her how my being a parent now sheds so much light on the lives and decisions of my parents- both in the positive and negative sense.

For the Positives:
1. I understand more than ever how you can love another person (or persons, if you have more than 1 kid as I do) 1000% more than anything else in the world, including your own parents.
2. I understand what my parents meant when they used the words sacrifice and parenthood in the same sentence.
3. I now know where the unlimited, never-ending worry from my parent's came from. It's like you want to take on all the bad things in the world just to, at the very least, divert attention from your kids, so that they may go on with their lives worry-free and undetected.
4. There are so many other realizations that I can't name them all.

For the Negatives (I speak only for myself):
1. I wonder how one can ever think of oneself more than their child.
2. I wonder how one could ever cause their child hurt.
3. I wonder how one could ever make their child feel like, in the end, they are JUST a child.

I don't know how to reconcile the negatives and the positives when they involve the same set of people. It makes sense and is contradictory at the same time. I wonder if anyone else feels this way at all or ever. Or am I being a bad child for even thinking such things. I'm back to questioning whether I make sense or if everyone else just sees it all better and more correct than I do. Will I ever get the answers?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April Fool's Day

This is one day in the year that I think should be done away with as far as "events" go. I mean, perhaps I really am just a bore but in my mind who would want tricks played on them? This seems to me the most idiotic thing a person could desire. Admittedly, I probably have a higher than normal aversion for it seeing as I have always been allergic to any and all forms of humiliation. Tricks fall under possible humiliation after all. I have yet to meet someone who can shed some positive light on this day.
On a more personal note, this day was a VERY bad day for me last year. One I am not likely to forget for some time. I won't bore anyone with the gory details. Suffice it to say, it just added to my conviction that April Fool's Day is the most useless event ever created.
Before I insult anyone, I refer only to the occassion that is 'April Fool's Day' and not the date, April 1.