Thursday, October 30, 2008

Irritation Again

I was just commenting to some of my friends in the office that this week has been soooooo long. I've been feeling really exhausted lately, over the past few days to be exact. But the exhaustion isn't a physical one in the sense that I don't feel like I'm ready to collapse. It's more a fatigue like I am floating through the day, hanging on to a vine here and there, just to get to the end of the day. What does that mean?
It's no secret that I haven't been too happy work-wise for the past couple of months. But, as the saying goes, you can't have it all. And there are just some things you have to suck your gut over and do because, well, that's life. No matter how much it grates and no matter how many chalkboards with nails running over you try to avoid, you will encounter things and situations you don't like. So I've been trying to make the most out of the situation by focusing on the things I find are positive. Admittedly, I am not very successful with this at times. But I do think I am getting better. For someone who has every single emotion plastered on her face the moment it's processed by the brain, I think I've been relatively calm lately. Until today.
I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist necessarily but I don't like to do things half-baked, regardless of whether I like or dislike the project. So it goes totally against the grain when there is even a whiff of dissatisfaction over my performance. And it makes it 100% (multiplied to the nth degree) more difficult to do something you don't really like doing and to do it well. I've been fighting off the feeling of being unappreciated because, let's face it, you can't expect a pat on the back all the time. You can't even expect it a lot. Plus, my brain knows more and knows that it isn't about not being appreciated. But my emotions are stubbornly unwilling to follow my brain lately and it's frankly wearing me out. It leaves me with dangerously low reserves to do what I have to do everyday. AAAAHHH! I am whining again. And I don't even know if this post makes sense. I am sure it's going to read like a sensesless ramble. Maybe I'm the drama queen Am loves to roll her eyes over and avoid. AAAAHHH!!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

If I say it over and over again...

...then maybe I will start to believe it?

I've been repeating this to myself for the past few days: "It's ok. It will be ok. We won't lose touch." Actually, I'm beginning to think I am a retard (like Dorothy would often say) still being affected by all this. The individuals involved are not too affected. So why should I be? Misplaced emotions? Aarrgghh.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Sadness and Goodbyes

It's funny how goodbyes are. I've never really liked them. Some people deal with them really well. They look at them as the natural evolution of things in life. I just see them as separation from something that is or has become dear to you in some way. I don't want to appear mushy but I am awfully affected by friends who say goodbye. In my office, I work with a lot of fantastic people. Non-conformist, brilliant, funny, disturbed all rolled into one. But I really only socialize with a handful of them- by socializing I mean exchanging more than the usual chit chat and pleasantries. Perhaps it has something to do with my introverted personality but over the almost 4 years I have been working at my office, I can say that I have developed some good friendships, with people I really admire. Because of this, I am greatly affected when anyone from that handful decides that it's time to leave. One already did so early this year (that was hard) and now three of my friends are deciding to do the same (for their own important, individual reasons) in the last quarter of this year and the first quarter of next year. I think it's more than I can take. I've prided myself over being tough, and strong, and hardy in times of adversity. But these imminent goodbyes make me just want to cry. Literally. The song 'Closing Time' has a clincher line that goes "every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end." This is really good for them. New beginnings for bigger and better things are always things to look forward to and be happy about. But I'm just sad. Sad, sad, sad. Sigh.

Music Heals

Something Mai said in her comment to one of my posts made me think about John Mayer. For those of you who do not know, and for those of you who are not yet sick of my constant jabbering about songs and lyrics, here are 2 songs whose lyrics, yet again, strike a chord.

First off is "Waiting for the World to Change"

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could
Now we see everything is going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
Its hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would've never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
When you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cuz when they own the information ooohhh,
They can bend it all they want

So while we're waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
It's not that we don't care
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change

We're still waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population

So we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
No, we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change.

You can really see the connection between these lyrics and my last post. Well, at least this would be the next chapter.

And to sum up the section of the book that is my jumbled brain, "The Heart of Life"

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

Yes, I will believe it's good.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Faith and Justice

A convicted murder had just received executive clemency over the week. What does this mean? Well, our president deemed it acceptable to let a criminal go, and if that isn't bad enough, let him go early. Ok, I am not going to pretend like I know the details of the law with respect to this particular right of the President. Because I don't. I am just going to talk about my opinion concerning the matter in general.

So, what do I think?

I think it is one thing to give clemency to Estrada, because he was a legitimately elected President, and because his crime was (in the most basic generalization) stealing. But to give it to someone who was convicted of KILLING IN COLD BLOOD, 2 people, and this would have been 3 had the other victim been less lucky, is another thing. Sec. Gonzalez said that a convicted criminal is eligible for parole when he/she has served half his sentence and provided there were no escape attempts while serving time. Uhm, Teehankee got life for 2 murders and 1 frustrated murder. Can someone tell me how you calculate half of a life sentence? And say that number is made available, I am 1,000,000% sure it isn't 12 years. Not unless a person is only expected to live until they are 24. And since his sentence was for 2 murders and 1 frustrated murder, 12 years is not anywhere near enough.

As I was writing, I came across information from Wikipedia:

The Supreme Court of the Philippines on October 6, 1995, modified the trial court's decision and found Teehankee, Jr. guilty of the crimes of murder, homicide and attempted murder, for which, he was meted out 3 sentences, respectively, reclusión perpetua (defined effectively as 30 years by the Revised Penal Code) and 2 indeterminate sentences of reclusion temporal, each for 8 years and 1 day to 14 years (now, as finally amended by the Supreme Court in 1995). Under Article 70 of the Revised Penal Code, the maximum combined sentences cannot exceed 40 years

Don't get me wrong. I believe people can change. But is it just to say that just because there is this belief, they should not be made accountable for their actions. Teehankee didn't kill a plant, after all.

It made me think about Faith and Justice. I would always hold on to the idea that, in the end, justice would prevail. I believe(d?) that one should always fight for what was just and that this was the best way to peacefully live in a society. You work hard, you get rewarded. That is just. You do something wrong, you get punished. That is just. And, while my faith in the religious aspect of life is murky, my faith in the letter of the law has always been sound. I come from a family of lawyers and judges, pretty good and respected ones at that, so really this has been a basic truth in my life. But now I am beginning to question it. When it seems like it is so easy to get away with murder, literally, what is there left to hold on to? Is it really about connections, and money, and timing? So, is that thin book with many words that is supposed to set limits and order in our society a sham? Are the lives lost in order to exercise our rights as were notarized by our fighting forefathers in that little book for naught? Again I don't know. But I do know I am afraid of a society and a President that seem to value money and connections above all. How do I protect my loved ones if I don't have those two things? Earl described Faith as a "world religion of non-thinking". I thought about this a lot and was ready to disagree. Now I am thinking, is he right?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I got this from Affie's blog. This is my card. I kinda like it.

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Food for thought? Hehehe.

Baby Food Update #3

Ok, I've been remiss on the updating, but not the food giving.

So, updates:
-my daughter has now eaten chicken, fish, pork, and beef, successfully. She liked the fish the least though but I think it might have been how I cooked it. I used Dory and steamed it with lemon,a bit of salt, and olive oil. I'll try another way for her next fish dish.
-she has also eaten a lot of fruit and veggies. Carrots, sweet potato, potato, squash, apples, banana, papaya, pineapple, green peas. She likes sweet potato and squash a lot. Next thing I'm going to add is broccoli for the veggies and pears for fruit.
-I am not pureeing anymore (thank goodness!). She needs to have clumps now so she can learn to chew well. Besides, she already has 6 teeth, plus she's turning 1 in a month. So it's time. She has also eaten some pita break and crackers. Oh, and yogurt. Which she loves. (She does not get that from me, for sure!)
-my 3 year old son broke out into a nasty rash a week ago and we figured it was food-related. How? Well, he had been suffering from a bad cough and according to hi doctor, this is a good time for allergies to highly allergenic food to surface, even if he had been eating the food without a problem in the past. Poor boy, I had to put him on a "bland" diet for a week. He was on fish and Nilaga. Funnily enough, he loved both, and ate a whole lot that entire week. (Now that is definitely from me!).
-I know the list of highly allergenic food items is long but here's a short list:
  • chicken
  • egg
  • salted food
  • chocolate
  • food with preservatives (this was tough since everything is processed now)
  • tomatoes
  • dairy
  • peanuts
You can find a more detailed list here.
-He's well now, and eating some of these foods again without a reaction. So, whew!

That's it for now. I am excited about some Halloween and Christmas baby/toddler food posts.

Remembering Mattie...

I was watching Good Morning America last night (it comes on at night on 53. I'm not sure if it's for the current or previous day though) and I caught the report on Mattie Stepanek. It was a short clip telling people interested to know how a new park for kids and adults has just been opened in his name. I forget which state though. Anyway, what struck me was the intelligence, sensitivity, and humanity of this young boy. I admit I never caught news items of him while he was alive but I know about him now. And I guess he touched me the way he seems to be still touching other people, young and old, today.

Here's on of his poems:

We need to stop.
Just stop.
Stop for a moment.
Before anybody
Says or does anything
That may hurt anyone else.
We need to be silent.
Just silent.
Heart Silent for a moment.
Before we forever lose
The blessing of songs
That grow in our hearts.
We need to notice.
Just notice.
Notice for a moment.
Before the future slips away
Into ashes and dust of humility.
Stop, be silent, and notice.
In so many ways, we are the same.
Our differences are unique treasures.
We have, we are, a mosaic of gifts
To nurture, to offer, to accept.
We need to be.
Just be.
Be for a moment.
Kind and gentle, innocent and trusting,
Like children and lambs,
Never judging or vengeful
Like the judging and vengeful.
And now, let us pray,
Differently, yet together,
Before there is no earth, no life,
No chance for peace.

September 11, 2001
© Matthew Joseph Thaddeus Stepanek

What an amazing boy. Truly. Gives us hope, huh?

Friday, October 17, 2008


I'm sitting at my desk, at the end of my day, with only 4 hours of sleep, and after a lot of exertion over the day- tired and wondering when I will ever not feel tired.
Don't get me wrong, I love the hustle and bustle of my kids. I love baking. I like going to work, whining and exchanging stories and gossip with the members of my team. But sometimes it is all so overwhelming and I just want a day to rest and not move. A day when I don't have to worry about money or food or health. Just like a pause, not a stop. Just one day every now and then. To recharge. To relax. To remember who I am, what I work for, what I love.
But I think this is, yet again, another desire in a long list of desires that are currently out of reach.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

"Think Different"

I got this from Meg. I loved it and I couldn't help but post it here.

"Think Different" from Apple

Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them,
disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.
They invent. They imagine. They heal.
They explore. They create. They inspire.
They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.
While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think
they can change the world, are the ones who do.

This is so inspirational. Let's get crazy, people!

Sa Sugarfree n'APO tayo mag-BURN OUT...

...OPM #2

I'm in Tiendesitas again with my hubby and friends. Yes, this seems to be the place to goto after work, on the weekend, when you have a small budget and a thirst for good food, drink, and now music. Great local bands play here and you can enjoy a mini-concert for a very small fee.

Again, a new (for me), late (in reality), discovery. Songs of old, that I love, remade. And new songs that ring true and strike a chord inside. Take note of the lyrics below.


O, wag kang tumingin ng ganyan sa akin
'Wag mo akong kulitin, 'wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo, ako rin ay nagbago
'Di na tayo tulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali

O, kay tagal din kitang minahal

Kung iisipin mo, 'di naman dati ganito
Teka muna, teka lang, kelan tayo nailang?
Kung iisipin mo, 'di naman dati ganito
Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay

[Repeat CHORUS]

Tinatawag kita, sinusuyo kita
'Di mo man marinig, 'di mo man madama

O, kay tagal din kitang mamahalin

By: Apo Hiking Society
(remade by Sugarfree)

Batang-bata ka pa at marami ka pang
kailangang malaman at intindihin sa mundo
Yan ang totoo
Nagkakamali ka kung akala mo na ang buhay
ay isang mumunting paraiso lamang

Batang-bata ka lang at akala mo na na alam
mo na ang lahat na kailangan mong malaman
Buhay ay di ganyan
Tanggapin mo na lang ang katotohanan na ikaw
ay isang musmos lang na wala pang alam
Makinig ka na lang makinig ka na lang

Ganyan talaga ang buhay lagi kang nasasabihan
Pagkat ikaw ay bata at wala pang nalalaman
Makinig ka sa 'king payo pagkat musmos ka lamang
At malaman ng maaga ang wasto sa kamalian

Batang-bata ako nalalaman ko 'to
Inamin ko rin na kulang ang aking nalalaman at nauunawaan
Ngunit kahit ganyan ang kinalalagyan alam
ko na may karapatan ang bawat nilalang
Kahit bata pa man kahit bata pa man

Nais ko sanang malaman ang mali sa katotohanan
Sariling pagraranas ang aking pamamagitan
Imulat ang isipan sa mga kulay ng buhay
Maging tunay na malaya sa katangi-tanging bata

Batang-bata ka pa at marami ka pang
kailangang malaman at intindihin sa mundo
Nais ko sanang malaman ang mali sa katotohanan
Batang-bata ka lang at akala mo na na alam mo
na ang lahat na kailangan mong malaman
Sariling pagraranas ang aking pamamagitan
Nagkakamali ka kung akala mo na ang buhay
ay isang mumunting paraiso lamang
la la la ý
la la la ý (fade)

It seems music (and food) really play a huge part in my life.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

God said NO!

I am not one to quote the Bible, or to talk about religion, spirituality, or faith, or to preach. I find this too pretentious. I feel like it's not my place to tell anyone how to believe, live their lives, make decisions. I certainly don't know it all and don't pretend to even come close. For me, my relationship with my God, the ideas I hold, the decision I make, and the degrees of my spirituality or faith is mine to ponder on, to build, to fix, to relish. If I share my thoughts, it is because I choose to, and never under the guise of conversion or judgment, but really just to share or to ask for opinions. In line with this, I rarely go public about anything related to God. It's personal, after all. But my sister-in-law sent me an email with some words that I found interesting and, (gasp) quite inspirational. So in a rare moment of sharing, I decided to post it here.

God Said NO!

I asked God to take away my habit. God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain. God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

It's only one part of the text but it was, for me, the most inspirational part. You can take what you want from it. I have.


I don't know why (or maybe I do) but these phrases have been ringing in my head lately.

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

aaahhhh. I think I need a shrink.

A Woman of Substance

I was looking through Facebook admiring all my beautiful friends and I couldn't help but look in the mirror, literally. Again I was struck by the changes in me, physically speaking. It didn't help that I was looking at old photo albums (around 7-8 years old) over the weekend with my husband and a friend, when his friend said "that's you?" to me, in a surprised and somewhat shocked tone. I don't really think I look THAT much older, but I know I do look like I've aged a bit. This shouldn't be surprising considering that it is natural for people to age. But have I aged well, or gracefully, as the saying goes?
I do not know. Again, I do not know.
I am vain but not to the point that I would sink into an unfathomable depression over how I look. I've discovered recently that the thing that worries me more than the wrinkles and age spots, sagging skin, and added poundage, is whether I have lived all these years (so far) with a purpose. I've discovered, now that I have kids, that I would not want them to look at my life and say "what a waste" or "she missed that, didn't she?". And so I'm now struggling over the assessment of my physical features, the strength of my character, and the importance of (in the greater scheme of things) my accomplishments. I have to say, the latter assessments are sooooooo much harder than the first.
I want to be a beautiful woman as I grow older. Even a great woman, if I can manage it. But I also want to be a woman of great substance.
I wish my brain would just stop and enjoy the simple things every once in a while.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Foul, Foul Mood

I'm in a bad mood today. This is probably because I am super tired. More tired than I've been in a while actually. And so all my negative feelings are surfacing and, like a weakened immune system, I can't seem to fight them off. I'm getting snappy (is this the right word?), depressed, and surly. Ack.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


OPM (Original Philippine Music) is something I've, admittedly, only recently begun to enjoy. I suppose you could say I was somewhat a snob a few years back when talking about music likes and dislikes. And since discovering "our" music, I have to say...we rock! Right now, I'm watching Rico Blanco. For those who don't know him, he used to be the lead vocalist of one of the country's best bands, Rivermaya. He's a solo artist now and making real kick a** music! My favorite Rivermaya song, back when he was still part of the band, is titled "Ipo Ipo", this is Tornado in English, if I am not mistaken.

Here are the lyrics:

binihag mo ako
sa isang ngiting mapanukso
wala kong nagawa kundi sumuko

sa iyong mga mata
dahan dahan mong hinubaran
ang kaluluwa ko’t laman

hindi tama ito

ipo ipo
ang pag ibig na ito
ipo ipo
ang ikaw at ako

sa bawat paghalik
diablo’y palakas ng palakas
lumuha tayo’t bumaha

niragasang lahat
ng tunay na nagmamahal
lahat ng pangarap iginiba

As a solo artist, this is a great song. The title is "Yugto" (chapter in English).

Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Tatawagin kang kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Pupulupot sa leeg mo't sisipsip ng iyong dugo
Ipapako ka sa krus kapag ikaw ay natuyo

Sa gitna ng kaguluhan may kumukulong bulkan
Di ma pigil ang yabang at sakdal na kasakiman
Susubukang angkinin ang lahat ng hindi kanya
Kung kaya kang paikutin tiyak paiikutin ka

Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog

Lumiyab ka...

Sa gitna ng kadiliman may buwitreng nagmamasid
May magbabato ng putik ngunit walang mayayanig
Iiyak ang mga batang nahulugan ng candy
Laging mga problema sa iba'y sinisisi

Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Itinuring mong kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Leeg mo'y pupuluputan dugo mo'y sisipsipin
Kapag wala ka nang pakinabang ang ending mo'y sa bangin

Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog

Lumiyab ka...

Tuwing hating gabi maririnig mo ang huni
Ng mga kaluluwang naliligaw
Lahat ng pera sa mundo hindi kayang gawing ginto
Ang huwad na tao...

Ang mga tinig palakas ng palakas
Hanggang gumuho ang mga hadlang

Saksi ang langit sa lahat ng naganap
Saksi ang langit sa ikalawang yugto...

Lumiyab ka...

Both songs are kinda difficult for me to translate in a post so if anyone wants to write them down in a post somewhere, please do so. And let me know.

Should I Let Go?

I was chatting with a good friend in the States yesterday, basically catching up after almost 2 decades of not seeing or really talking to each other, when the topic of weddings came up. Weddings, not marriage. She asked me if I had had a big wedding since she couldn't find any in my Facebook account. I told her that I had the civil ceremony, not the big she-bang, but that I still want the big she-bang and have just not yet planned it. I asked her the same questions and she told me her wedding was a 5-minute ceremony, Vegas style, in Vegas (naturally). She told me she wasn't really into the whole "seremonya" thing. It got me to thinking about what I wanted, and still want. Don't you just love how it always seems to come back to me? Hehehe. Anyway, I digress.
I started thinking about my desire to have the big wedding and if this is still something I want to hold on to. Seem I've always wanted the wedding gown, the car, the flowers, the cake, the pictures, the music, the party. All of it. Ever since I was 10. I've had my wedding all planned out for almost 2 decades. It's very hard for me to even consider not having it. But I was thinking, everything I mentioned has nothing to do with marriage or the commitment two people make in matrimony. It's really all about the pomp and circumstance. So it shouldn't matter if I didn't have the big wedding right? I mean, I got a house and stuff, which is, practically speaking, so much better. What should matter and what should concern me should be the relationship itself, living out the vows, etc. Right?
So why does the idea of never having my beautiful wedding make me want to burst into tears and bawl like a baby? Why do ALL weddings, even the ones on TV, make my throat tighten and my heart just ache? And why does the possible reality of not ever having a wedding make me feel robbed of something I can't even define?
I don't think I'm very good at letting go after all.

Monday, October 6, 2008

I Wish it Were..........

I've been talking to a lot of friend's celebrating the passing of the year for something or the other recently, and the common thing I've heard is that "I wish it were X (some year or a number of years in the past)." It got me thinking about life, and decisions, and the past.
If I were to choose a year and an age to go back to these would have to be 23 and 1998 respectively, for different reasons. At 23, I had just graduated and so I felt that I could finally get out there and conquer the world. Yes, there was a time when I was more optimistic than not. And in 1998, I was right in the middle of my studies in the UK- what I consider one of the best times of my life. If there are periods I would like to pause, these would be it. Sometimes I think about these periods and the me in these periods and I wonder where she went. I think I was a lot more fun and easygoing then. Has real life really jaded me? I don't know.
But then again I've been trying to live the idea of 'no regrets'. I really believe these are a waste of time. What's the point of regretting? You can't turn back time and redo or relive anything. And if I could, would I really want to? That's the golden question isn't it? Some would say, just learn from past mistakes and move on. But the one, and it seems the only, lesson History ever teaches us is that we never learn from History.
So what's the deal in the end? I think I would prefer to stay in the now, to think about but not look too long and hard at the past, and to try my darndest to make today the best time of my life.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Realistic , Romantic, or Neither?

A friend mentioned something a few minutes ago that got me thinking.

With the ultimate goal of peace, harmony, and working well all around in's the question:

Is the pretense of friendship better to work with than the reality of war?

I'm curious. What do you think?


I was out with the hubby last night in Tiendesitas, winding down for the day over beer (for him) and coffee (for me), and we got to talking about careers. I told him how, when I was much younger, my favorite movies were Working Girl (with Harrison Ford, Melanie Griffith, and Sigourney Weaver) and Baby Boom (with Diane Keaton). For those who are not familiar with these movies, they share one theme: women who become high-powered corporate big shots, with careers they love and work hard for, on their terms. I recall in the last scene of Working Girl, Melanie Griffith sitting down and relishing her new, big, corner office in a multi-national company. I also remember thinking to myself that one day that would be me. Fast forward to today and that is the farthest picture from my reality. So I asked my hubby if, somewhere down the road, I missed a sign or a turn to that corner office. It's not that I don't like my job. In fact, my job works well with my personal life at the moment. It's just that I'd always wanted that corner office. I still do. And these days, it feels like I am just getting further and further away from it.
The conversation turned to other people and their fast-paced careers and I told him that what I observed from these people was the sole, focused drive to reach that goal, sacrificing a lot on the way there. I realized that I might have gotten to that office faster if I had been more willing to do away with even just half of my concerns. The biggest concern is, of course, my kids. Enter, mommy guilt. I told him that I had decided that I wanted to spend as much time with them as I could and that I didn't think that the sacrifice of that time was worth it. Not surprisingly, he told me to focus on my career and not to worry about the kids. I will always be their mom, he said, and they would understand when they are older, why I needed to spend some time away from them. He said that I needed to do this for myself if a career was what I really wanted.
I don't know. I don't know today any more than I knew last night. I am stuck. I want the office and the kids. The quintessential "everything" a woman supposedly cannot have. What do I do?
If there were or are signposts, I hope they show themselves with bright neon lettering. Because I need some help, and the clock is ticking.