Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Should I Let Go?

I was chatting with a good friend in the States yesterday, basically catching up after almost 2 decades of not seeing or really talking to each other, when the topic of weddings came up. Weddings, not marriage. She asked me if I had had a big wedding since she couldn't find any in my Facebook account. I told her that I had the civil ceremony, not the big she-bang, but that I still want the big she-bang and have just not yet planned it. I asked her the same questions and she told me her wedding was a 5-minute ceremony, Vegas style, in Vegas (naturally). She told me she wasn't really into the whole "seremonya" thing. It got me to thinking about what I wanted, and still want. Don't you just love how it always seems to come back to me? Hehehe. Anyway, I digress.
I started thinking about my desire to have the big wedding and if this is still something I want to hold on to. Seem I've always wanted the wedding gown, the car, the flowers, the cake, the pictures, the music, the party. All of it. Ever since I was 10. I've had my wedding all planned out for almost 2 decades. It's very hard for me to even consider not having it. But I was thinking, everything I mentioned has nothing to do with marriage or the commitment two people make in matrimony. It's really all about the pomp and circumstance. So it shouldn't matter if I didn't have the big wedding right? I mean, I got a house and stuff, which is, practically speaking, so much better. What should matter and what should concern me should be the relationship itself, living out the vows, etc. Right?
So why does the idea of never having my beautiful wedding make me want to burst into tears and bawl like a baby? Why do ALL weddings, even the ones on TV, make my throat tighten and my heart just ache? And why does the possible reality of not ever having a wedding make me feel robbed of something I can't even define?
I don't think I'm very good at letting go after all.

No comments: