Wednesday, February 11, 2009

"Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End"

It's been quite a turbulent past few days for me. So many things happened that made me question EVERYTHING I had been living by for the past 4 years. I was ready to exercise that age-old description of me being "strong" and "bold" yet at the same time I often found myself scared to the point of cadaver-like coldness and the icky feeling of wanting to throw up. I questioned motives, reasons, promises, what I'd been told, friends, colleagues, strangers. I can safely say, these are too many things for any one person to think about all at once. I wouldn't recommend it. But I found myself in this very predicament last week.

It's all over now, in a bittersweet way. I've loved my place of work for so long. I think of the people in my department as sisters. I have shared a lot of my life with them. It is painful to have that all end. Last week, I felt as if I had just been told that you no longer have a room in your house and therefore would need to pack up. There was hardly any time to adjust, to think, but there was a lot of time to feel. And I felt bad 99% of the time. I felt disposed of, thrown away, tossed aside. Today, after discussions, I am relieved that there was no war, no fights, no recriminations; that things were resolved amicably, much like a divorce, without the acrimony.

So now I am left with sadness and happiness- two completely opposite feelings present in my head and heart at the same time. What to do? Anyone who knows me knows I hate goodbyes. It's so hard for me to let anything close to the heart go. And now I have to let a whole lot go. I can hear the cracks. At the same time, I am happy to be rid of the uncertainty, the shadows, feelings of inadequacy and lack of appreciation. It's a strange mix. I am looking forward to moving on but I am apprehensive about saying goodbye. Sigh. Another difficulty of life.

To all my ladies, you know who you are, don't lose touch! Remember ME, ME, ME! And smile.


dreamwalker said...

Read this today, Vicki:
You see, things aren't sequential. Good doesn't lead to good nor bad to bad. People steal, don't get caught. Live the good life. Others lie, cheat and get elected. Some people stop to help a stranded motorist and get taken out by a speeding semi. There's no accounting for it. How you play the cards you're dealt, that's all that matters."

-- Jonathan Kramer

We can still be yin and yang despite the distance, right?

dreamwalker said...

Oooh... and not this song is stuck in my head...

karla said...

hey, vicki! guess i'm super huli sa balita. anyway, good luck with everything on the way! you'll do great, i just know it. take care! mwah!

anya said...

I will miss you so much, Vicki. You're such a dear friend. We won't lose touch because we're not work-friends, we're friends-friends.

Tarie said...

I will miss you. :o(

Avril said...

Made me smile. ΓΌ I found myself here with you beautiful ones. First time in my life I could really say I was honestly myself. You were a big reason that I was able to do that. It just won't ever be the same.

suZen said...

Your words touch my heart - I feel your pain and at the same time I celebrate. Sounds like transition time and boy you'll learn a lot about yourself - whether you want to or not. I've done the goodbye girl thing so much in my life and it never gets easier. Lace up the hiking boots and get ready for another journey in self-discovery! Just know you aren't alone - we're all out here stumbling down our own paths.

vicki said...

Numi, that quote says it all. I will do my best to remember it- for everything. And, yes, yin and yang transcends work and distance. It just is. It will remain so.

Karla, thanks for the kind words and the encouragment. Thank goodness for Facebook and this blogging thing.

Anya, don't worry dear. We will see each other often. Promise.

Tarie, keep writing and having fun! And eat sweetie! Sweets are friends. hahahaha!

Affie, I know what you mean. I feel you. But don't worry. You are loved by everyone in QA. And we'll keep in touch. Crepes and tea first thing.

Suzen, thank you for the support. Yes, I think I will go through this again later in life. It's good to be armed with experience. Part of living is feeling so we must feel it all.