Fear

I just recently watched 'Under the Tuscan Sun' and I loved it. I don't think I would've liked it as much around 5 years or so ago. I don't know. Maybe I've just gotten old. Or maybe, after being on my own for a few years now, I just now truly understand my fears. There's quotes that sort of speak of some of my fears.

"Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid."

There are 2 things that stand out to me in this quote: the fear of not knowing (which is different from the unknown) and fear itself. I am not referring specifically to the topic in this quote but rather the effects of the topic. I think there is a lot to be said about not knowing. A lot of negative things. I never really believed in the saying 'Ignorance is bliss'. I really believe that the time of not knowing always runs out and then that 'bliss' just becomes an even bigger nightmare, something fueled by all that time believing in what wasn't. And then there is fear itself. Fear can do so many things to people. It can make the smartest people stupid, the loudest people silent, the most sensible people scatterbrained. Mostly I detest how fear just makes you stop and question yourself and everything you believe in and want. This is why I admire people who can move beyond fear, whether it be fear of a thing, a person, or a situation, to get to what they think they truly deserve. I want to be brave too and to have clarity. I don't think this is too much to ask but why is it so damn hard?

Disbelief

I can't believe I'm back to where I was more than a year ago.

Shame, shame, shame.

I thought people were supposed to be able to change. I thought the only constant was change. I;m not sure I know what to believe anymore. I think I should just focus my energies on dealing with disappointment.

Oh, and Avril was right. "Love is a gift. Not an obligation."

Surprised...Not.

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

The Road Less Traveled and This IS the difference?

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me to study hard, get as good a set of grades as possible, and earn that degree. This would arm me for the future. This would be what would help me have a better life. They also told me to study what I loved, this way I would be more naturally inclined to do better, therefore getting better grades, etc. This would always translate to success. And success to me was doing what I loved the best way I knew how and earning well because of this effort. I am not so sure now if this really is the case. I am earning pretty well for the industry I am in, granted, but it seems these days there are more higher paying, more in-demand IT-based and math-based jobs. This is a totally opposite field from the one I've spent years trying to better myself in. Take for example Accounting. I know several accountants that seem to have a whole field of prospects to choose from lately. High paying jobs with the added benefit of living abroad. Was this the path I should have taken? Would this have made my now better, at least money and career wise? Here's a snippet from an online article I read earlier today:

"As enrollment reached at an all-time high over the past three decades, it seems the popularity of the accounting profession has no intentions of slowing down among students.

Queen-Hubert attributes this to the financial crisis. "In today's world and with the high price tag of a college degree, parents and students are looking for careers that offer long-term prospects and skills that can be portable amongst industries." And right now, accounting seems to add up."

As a mom, I am always concerned about my children's future- both how I can provide for them as a parent and what to teach them for them to have good, comfortable, productive lives. Looking at what's out there in the market, I kind of wish I took a more flexible course in College. Perhaps something to do with Communications, or IT, or even, God forbid, Accounting. This way I would be in a better position now to get a higher paying job. However, I really liked what I took up in College. I had a blast during my college years both in living out my student experience and increasing my knowledge and skills. I am not sure if the prospect of more money in the future is really worth doing away with that experience. Given that I am on uncertain ground on this topic, what then do I tell my kids when the time comes for them to choose the path to their future? Do what you love and the rest will follow (even if sometimes I really just doesn't), or be practical and think about the best way to achieve a good life (meaning- monetary comfort)? Confusion.

Again, I seem to have stumbled upon an answer that seems to have no right or wrong answer. Sigh.

(to read the entire article, go here).

What's my English?

I saw that Numi took this test and I was curious to see how I would score.

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English 20% Yankee 5% Dixie 5% Upper Midwestern 0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

I never thought I would be 20% Yankee. It's a funny thing.

Ladybugs

I was inspired by a short post in a friend's blog. In the 3 short paragraphs in the post you could really feel the love from the writer to the object of affection. This sounds cheesy, I know, but it also made think about the power and beauty of love in itself. And life and reality. I remember when I was 11. I remember writing in my diary trying to conjure the perfect man. The one who would one day sweep me off my feet and envelop me in a cloud of love.
Below were my favorite quotes about love from a movie. They're from 'Meet Joe Black'. I liked the movie but honestly 90% of that like is encapsulated in the following quotes:

"I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate...Sing with rapture and dance like a dervish. Be deliriously happy, or atleast leave yourself open to be."
"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. "

I'm much older now and the pictures in my head have somewhat faded, their corners rather frayed. I used to believe that love was just like this. All like this. And that anything less was, well, just that....less. I think differently now. I know now that love like this does exist but it is never without it's pains, that it cannot be as great and powerful and sweet without these pains. How could one appreciate the beauty without even a glimpse of the ugly? That doesn't mean that one should settle. I guess what I am saying is I've learned to see the beauty in imperfection and the value of the head and the heart, and to just go on the journey and to not try so hard. It's like a quote from 'under the Tuscan Sun':

"Listen,
when I was a little girl,             
I used to spend hours
looking for ladybugs.                 
Finally, I'd just give up
and fall asleep in the grass.                  
When I woke up,
they were crawling all over me."

I'd like to believe I am holding my ladybugs.

A Thick Silver Lining

Ok, so I've been hobbling around on this sprain for 2 weeks now and I can say I abhor the fact that I cannot do the things I normally do- mundane things like doing the grocery or fixing the meal. I can't even visit my son's room as often as I would like because it's a whole extra flight of stairs up, and this is bloody difficult on crutches. But there have been some surprisingly pleasant things that have happened over the weekend that made me forget (ok, just for a few hours anyway) just how handicapped I am at the moment.

Saturday evening my sister-in-law celebrated her 39th birthday with a big party. My son, having just recovered from a cough and fever, was excited to be able to join the festivities for the night. He was bouncy and lively and chirpy. The funniest moment was when we were called to start getting food. He came up to me and said (complete with zealous arm gestures) "Come on Mommy. Let's go Mommy." I answered and said "Ok, can you please help mommy? Can you give Mommy her crutches?" These were leaning against the sofa. He nodded and said "ok mommy". Then he marched his 2.11 year old self to where my crutches were standing, held them by the sides and gave them to me with a big grin. Then, he waited for me to position myself before he started walking to the buffet table beside me. Isn't that just too cute and sweet? Really.

Next pleasant event. I usually do the groceries twice a month and I have a very strict budget. If I go over the budget, I have to make instant decisions about which item(s) to remove from my shopping cart. Usually, I think about what I currently have, if this is enough to last through to the next period, or if I no longer have, it can I do without it for the meantime, etc. Obviously this entails knowing more or less what you have and don't have. This has always been my arena. Not that my husband never showed interest. It just seemed easier and more natural for me to take control of it since I'm more detail-oriented and the one who does the shopping in general. Since I am currently on crutches, my hubby had to do the groceries this weekend. To prepare him, I told him that there was a strict budget and that if he should go over this he would have to make instant decisions as to what to leave out. I also gave him a detailed grocery list. He brought his 13 year old niece with him, spent roughly 2 hours in the grocery, called me about 10 times to verify certain items, but came home p450 under the budget!! I was so proud. And, despite his comments about how lost he would have been without his niece and how long it took to park and how long the cashier lines were, I think he enjoyed the experience.
The cherry on my Sunday happened in the evening of the same day. I had to put my daughter to sleep as her yaya was watching my son, whose yaya had to leave for a few hours to attend to family issues. Unfortunately, this happened at the same time as dinner- and I had not prepped anything. Imagine my surprise when my hubby says "You want me to cook?". Of course I acted as nonchalantly as I could (he's not very big on making big deals out of things) and told him to go ahead. He prepared fried rosemary chicken and Nido soup. His niece helped again but the effort of defrosting, marinating, frying, setting, everything that goes into creating a meal, which he hardly ever has a hand in, was a very big deal. Snaps for my hubby!!

The positivity was plentiful over the weekend.