Chapter 2

I packed up yesterday and now my days are relatively free. I am trying to enjoy them. I've been groaning for free time for the longest time and now I have it, so I suppose I should make the most out of it before I have to go to work again.

I've been spending more time with my kids and I love it. It's tiring. A different kind of tiring from office work but I love being able to see them all the time and to watch them experience new things and to have them be able to tell me about them almost immediately. I am actually thinking of looking for something flexible work-wise. I am really trying to think out how to make this so. Maybe this realization is a blessing from this whole experience, a blessing I've been waiting to see. Who knows?

So, in line with my new, free schedule, here are some things I want to do asap:

1. Play with my kids more. Have meals with them.
2. Sign up for the gym.
3. Bake new recipes.
4. See old friends I haven't been able to see because of my previous work schedule.
5. READ!!!

I think I am seeing a few more good things as I go along.

"Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End"

It's been quite a turbulent past few days for me. So many things happened that made me question EVERYTHING I had been living by for the past 4 years. I was ready to exercise that age-old description of me being "strong" and "bold" yet at the same time I often found myself scared to the point of cadaver-like coldness and the icky feeling of wanting to throw up. I questioned motives, reasons, promises, what I'd been told, friends, colleagues, strangers. I can safely say, these are too many things for any one person to think about all at once. I wouldn't recommend it. But I found myself in this very predicament last week.

It's all over now, in a bittersweet way. I've loved my place of work for so long. I think of the people in my department as sisters. I have shared a lot of my life with them. It is painful to have that all end. Last week, I felt as if I had just been told that you no longer have a room in your house and therefore would need to pack up. There was hardly any time to adjust, to think, but there was a lot of time to feel. And I felt bad 99% of the time. I felt disposed of, thrown away, tossed aside. Today, after discussions, I am relieved that there was no war, no fights, no recriminations; that things were resolved amicably, much like a divorce, without the acrimony.

So now I am left with sadness and happiness- two completely opposite feelings present in my head and heart at the same time. What to do? Anyone who knows me knows I hate goodbyes. It's so hard for me to let anything close to the heart go. And now I have to let a whole lot go. I can hear the cracks. At the same time, I am happy to be rid of the uncertainty, the shadows, feelings of inadequacy and lack of appreciation. It's a strange mix. I am looking forward to moving on but I am apprehensive about saying goodbye. Sigh. Another difficulty of life.

To all my ladies, you know who you are, don't lose touch! Remember ME, ME, ME! And smile.

I am Sober

I loved this song around 6-7 years ago. I don't think a young person now would even know it. But today, I remembered it.

Girl meets boy, girl goes crazy
Boy looks away, she gets her heart broken
No words are spoken
Boy comes back and acts
As if everything is cool
Soon she's got him back on a pedestal
She only sees what she wants to see
Love is blind, love is so misleading

(CHORUS)
I see the light, oh what a light
And I am sober
All that you served to me
No longer will I drink it in
I took the time to think it over
I see the you that I never knew
Now it's finally sinking in
I am sober

Girl wakes up and smells the coffee one day
Realizes she's on her own again
All alone again
Boy takes every opportunity
To play on every insecurity
Get her back on track
She's in a daze, back in the fire
But will she cave into her old desires

It holds entirely new meaning for me today. I don't think it will ever mean anything else.

How tiring to be disappointed.

Color Quiz

I seem to be addicted to these online tests. The result of this one was pretty interesting.

vicki took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Takes easily and quickly to anything which provide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I don't agree with everything but there are a lot of pretty accurate comments as well. I won't divulge percentages. That would really be an over-share.

What do you guys think?

From My Lips to God's Ears

Please let it be ok.
No, please let it be more than ok.
Please let it be great!
Please don't let it be a replay of years ago.
Please let it be a path to somewhere new and better.
Please, please, please God. Don't let me make a stupid ass out of myself.
Thank you in advance.
Amen.

Great Pick Me Up

OK, weight has always been an issue for me. More so now that I am surrounded by people who love food and eating as much, or even more, than me. Well, Numi saw this quiz and passed the link to everyone in QA. I was so surprised by the result.

Here it is:

You Are Destined to Be Thin

Even if you aren't thin right now, you have great habits that will ensure you're thin for most of your life. You have a great relationship with food and eating. Don't change a thing.

Are You Destined To Be Overweight?

I was thinking, if I stare at it long enough, even post it here, the Universe will definitely notice and conspire to make it so. Right?

I am claiming it!! Hahahahaha!

Gattaca was on CNN last night.

I was watching CNN last night and there was a report on how technology in the medical field is advancing so much so that pretty soon we will be able to make our offspring taller, faster, etc. I am sure this was not the point of the study, and I have been trying to find a copy of that report online but I just suck at researching these things. Anyway, the fact that future parents may be able to choose the genetic make-up of their kids could be a very real effect of this advance in technology.

What is the point of my near ramble?

Well, this reminded me of the movie Gattaca, with Ethan Hawke, Jude Law, and Uma Thurman. Not a lot of people liked this movie because, they said, it was a whole lot of talk. I happen to love talk movies. And the premise of the movie, being that one could choose which traits to give to their kids, was fascinating to me. I have to say, I loved the movie but I finished the it feeling more than a tad bit alarmed. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love sci-fi. I am a trekkie and Star Wars lover. But the idea that one could choose everything about their kids and then to have those who fell below 'perfect' standards be less, well, that bothered me. I am all for genetics making it possible to eliminate the chances of developing Parkinson's or Alzheimer's or Down Syndrome even, but to go so far as to specify the athletic ability, the height, the shape, the color of eyes- this was too much for me to swallow. It seemed to me like a different form of segregation and discrimination- the implications in the movie were very reminiscent of the days when African-Americans and Afro-Caribbeans, and women, could only use certain rooms, sit in designated seats, attend only a certain type of school, be eligible for only certain kinds of jobs. It left me with a bad taste in my mouth.
Ok, I was slightly comforted by the fact that the advances in the movie seemed far removed (this was 1997) or at least would take another quarter of a century to pull off. I thought to myself, this would be enough time for mankind to think about past decisions, to learn how to treat each other, and to accept that we are all equal.
Well, 8 years down the road and here we are. Ready to leap into these advances and yet war rages around us, genocide is happening in different parts of Africa and Asia, and we, collectively, are still so far from learning our lesson. With such advances happening, will we realize this time, where to draw the line? Will the quest for perfection yet again bring down so many? Will it take another half a century or more before we see understanding in the form of another Barrack Obama?
I think I better stick to the fluff movies and Idol for a while.