God said NO!

I am not one to quote the Bible, or to talk about religion, spirituality, or faith, or to preach. I find this too pretentious. I feel like it's not my place to tell anyone how to believe, live their lives, make decisions. I certainly don't know it all and don't pretend to even come close. For me, my relationship with my God, the ideas I hold, the decision I make, and the degrees of my spirituality or faith is mine to ponder on, to build, to fix, to relish. If I share my thoughts, it is because I choose to, and never under the guise of conversion or judgment, but really just to share or to ask for opinions. In line with this, I rarely go public about anything related to God. It's personal, after all. But my sister-in-law sent me an email with some words that I found interesting and, (gasp) quite inspirational. So in a rare moment of sharing, I decided to post it here.

God Said NO!

I asked God to take away my habit. God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain. God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

It's only one part of the text but it was, for me, the most inspirational part. You can take what you want from it. I have.

Rage

I don't know why (or maybe I do) but these phrases have been ringing in my head lately.

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

aaahhhh. I think I need a shrink.

A Woman of Substance

I was looking through Facebook admiring all my beautiful friends and I couldn't help but look in the mirror, literally. Again I was struck by the changes in me, physically speaking. It didn't help that I was looking at old photo albums (around 7-8 years old) over the weekend with my husband and a friend, when his friend said "that's you?" to me, in a surprised and somewhat shocked tone. I don't really think I look THAT much older, but I know I do look like I've aged a bit. This shouldn't be surprising considering that it is natural for people to age. But have I aged well, or gracefully, as the saying goes?
I do not know. Again, I do not know.
I am vain but not to the point that I would sink into an unfathomable depression over how I look. I've discovered recently that the thing that worries me more than the wrinkles and age spots, sagging skin, and added poundage, is whether I have lived all these years (so far) with a purpose. I've discovered, now that I have kids, that I would not want them to look at my life and say "what a waste" or "she missed that, didn't she?". And so I'm now struggling over the assessment of my physical features, the strength of my character, and the importance of (in the greater scheme of things) my accomplishments. I have to say, the latter assessments are sooooooo much harder than the first.
I want to be a beautiful woman as I grow older. Even a great woman, if I can manage it. But I also want to be a woman of great substance.
I wish my brain would just stop and enjoy the simple things every once in a while.

Foul, Foul Mood

I'm in a bad mood today. This is probably because I am super tired. More tired than I've been in a while actually. And so all my negative feelings are surfacing and, like a weakened immune system, I can't seem to fight them off. I'm getting snappy (is this the right word?), depressed, and surly. Ack.

OPM

OPM (Original Philippine Music) is something I've, admittedly, only recently begun to enjoy. I suppose you could say I was somewhat a snob a few years back when talking about music likes and dislikes. And since discovering "our" music, I have to say...we rock! Right now, I'm watching Rico Blanco. For those who don't know him, he used to be the lead vocalist of one of the country's best bands, Rivermaya. He's a solo artist now and making real kick a** music! My favorite Rivermaya song, back when he was still part of the band, is titled "Ipo Ipo", this is Tornado in English, if I am not mistaken.

Here are the lyrics:

binihag mo ako
sa isang ngiting mapanukso
wala kong nagawa kundi sumuko

sa iyong mga mata
dahan dahan mong hinubaran
ang kaluluwa ko’t laman

hindi tama ito

ipo ipo
ang pag ibig na ito
ipo ipo
ang ikaw at ako

sa bawat paghalik
diablo’y palakas ng palakas
lumuha tayo’t bumaha

niragasang lahat
ng tunay na nagmamahal
lahat ng pangarap iginiba

As a solo artist, this is a great song. The title is "Yugto" (chapter in English).

Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Tatawagin kang kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Pupulupot sa leeg mo't sisipsip ng iyong dugo
Ipapako ka sa krus kapag ikaw ay natuyo

Sa gitna ng kaguluhan may kumukulong bulkan
Di ma pigil ang yabang at sakdal na kasakiman
Susubukang angkinin ang lahat ng hindi kanya
Kung kaya kang paikutin tiyak paiikutin ka

Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog

Lumiyab ka...

Sa gitna ng kadiliman may buwitreng nagmamasid
May magbabato ng putik ngunit walang mayayanig
Iiyak ang mga batang nahulugan ng candy
Laging mga problema sa iba'y sinisisi

Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Itinuring mong kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Leeg mo'y pupuluputan dugo mo'y sisipsipin
Kapag wala ka nang pakinabang ang ending mo'y sa bangin

Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog

Lumiyab ka...

Tuwing hating gabi maririnig mo ang huni
Ng mga kaluluwang naliligaw
Lahat ng pera sa mundo hindi kayang gawing ginto
Ang huwad na tao...

Ang mga tinig palakas ng palakas
Hanggang gumuho ang mga hadlang

Saksi ang langit sa lahat ng naganap
Saksi ang langit sa ikalawang yugto...

Lumiyab ka...

Both songs are kinda difficult for me to translate in a post so if anyone wants to write them down in a post somewhere, please do so. And let me know.

Should I Let Go?

I was chatting with a good friend in the States yesterday, basically catching up after almost 2 decades of not seeing or really talking to each other, when the topic of weddings came up. Weddings, not marriage. She asked me if I had had a big wedding since she couldn't find any in my Facebook account. I told her that I had the civil ceremony, not the big she-bang, but that I still want the big she-bang and have just not yet planned it. I asked her the same questions and she told me her wedding was a 5-minute ceremony, Vegas style, in Vegas (naturally). She told me she wasn't really into the whole "seremonya" thing. It got me to thinking about what I wanted, and still want. Don't you just love how it always seems to come back to me? Hehehe. Anyway, I digress.
I started thinking about my desire to have the big wedding and if this is still something I want to hold on to. Seem I've always wanted the wedding gown, the car, the flowers, the cake, the pictures, the music, the party. All of it. Ever since I was 10. I've had my wedding all planned out for almost 2 decades. It's very hard for me to even consider not having it. But I was thinking, everything I mentioned has nothing to do with marriage or the commitment two people make in matrimony. It's really all about the pomp and circumstance. So it shouldn't matter if I didn't have the big wedding right? I mean, I got a house and stuff, which is, practically speaking, so much better. What should matter and what should concern me should be the relationship itself, living out the vows, etc. Right?
So why does the idea of never having my beautiful wedding make me want to burst into tears and bawl like a baby? Why do ALL weddings, even the ones on TV, make my throat tighten and my heart just ache? And why does the possible reality of not ever having a wedding make me feel robbed of something I can't even define?
I don't think I'm very good at letting go after all.

I Wish it Were..........

I've been talking to a lot of friend's celebrating the passing of the year for something or the other recently, and the common thing I've heard is that "I wish it were X (some year or a number of years in the past)." It got me thinking about life, and decisions, and the past.
If I were to choose a year and an age to go back to these would have to be 23 and 1998 respectively, for different reasons. At 23, I had just graduated and so I felt that I could finally get out there and conquer the world. Yes, there was a time when I was more optimistic than not. And in 1998, I was right in the middle of my studies in the UK- what I consider one of the best times of my life. If there are periods I would like to pause, these would be it. Sometimes I think about these periods and the me in these periods and I wonder where she went. I think I was a lot more fun and easygoing then. Has real life really jaded me? I don't know.
But then again I've been trying to live the idea of 'no regrets'. I really believe these are a waste of time. What's the point of regretting? You can't turn back time and redo or relive anything. And if I could, would I really want to? That's the golden question isn't it? Some would say, just learn from past mistakes and move on. But the one, and it seems the only, lesson History ever teaches us is that we never learn from History.
So what's the deal in the end? I think I would prefer to stay in the now, to think about but not look too long and hard at the past, and to try my darndest to make today the best time of my life.