Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Perspective is Everything

Over the past few days I've been going through my own personal typhoon and I came out of the rainstorm with a few realizations. I realized that I haven't really paid attention to ME in a while. Yes, my friends in the QA room will snort themselves to death over that statement, I know. But it's true. This isn't the self-obsessed, laugh-trip kind of statement that people are used to hearing me say. This time, I am serious. Contrary to popular opinion that I am all about ME, I actually found that I am not and this caused me to really spin when I couldn't answer the question "who am I?".

I know who I used to be.

I remember I used to love to dance. I would go out with friends almost every weekend just to go dancing.
I remember I used to love to drink. Ok, I admit I used to drink like a fish. But I'm not referring to my frequent overindulgences here but to the 2-3 cocktails that were my staple for a normal night out.
I remember I used to go to the salon every month for a hair treatment, every 2 weeks for a manicure, pedicure, footspa, and threading, and every 3 months for a haircut.
I remember I used to have a facial every month and a Glycolic treatment every 2 months.
I remember I used to have more than 5 pairs of pants (denim) and more than a couple of pair of slacks. I also used to have a closet full of blouses segregated into "going out", "office", "casual" categories. And I used to own skirts and dresses!
I remember I used to go out every Friday AND Saturday. Go out, see bands, see friends, drink, dance, have fun.

I don't remember the last time I did anything on that list.

I would skip the personals in the supermarket because there were so many other things needed. I would forgo a night out because I had to be home to be with my hubby, who would end up going out some of the time anyway, or to see my kids, who would be asleep. All my clothes are maternity clothes and I can count the type of any kind of clothing in that closet, let alone segregate anything. I haven't seen my colorist or stylist since November last year, although I have been to a couple of salons once or twice that were much much cheaper but had so-so service. And I've been dying for a Mojito but I can't seem to get around to getting one. My friend Anj would constantly text me, "do it for yourself" and " you have to feel good about yourself too". And I never really believed that that was important. Until now.

I realized that I have to take care of ME more now. I have to rediscover who I am. Granted I can't do everything with the same frequency and abandon as I did when I was single. I haven't forgotten that I have 2 kids now who need my time and to be supported as well. But I realized that, in my effort to be the best friend, wife, mom, and child, I forgot to just be the best ME. I have to peel off all the layers of defense that I plastered on in response to dislike, which I just stretched out over everything and everyone (jaded?), and get back to the me that used to be a lot of fun to be around. This is going to be so hard since I've gotten used to putting everything before me (the stuff I listed down) and to thinking that what I wanted personally was frivolity I could do without. But I figured when I find myself again I will be better armed to weather any more typhoons should they come my way, to know what to do and how to act because I would know what kind of person I am and what I deserve. Livi said once "you are responsible for the way people treat you" and while I think there is merit in that, I don't think you can take this step without first taking responsibility for yourself.

So, here I am at 29, doing what I did when I came home from England at 19- trying to find myself again, love myself, make myself into the best me.

10 comments:

Avril said...

I think that I have only found myself in the last 2 years...iTi and you wonders of QA were a big help in doing that. (Thanks, by the way!) I have noticed though that this is a journey that never seems to end. I'm glad that you're starting to look for yourself again, but don't think about it too much. Whenever I've focused on it, all I ever got was a headache. You just can't find enough "right" words to put yourself into a box with. Just do what you want to do and the epiphanies will come. Good luck!

vicki said...

Hehehe!! That's one way to look at it. I will remember that. Thanks!

yanka said...

The mojito is very, very doable. Do it. :)

Avril said...

Guillaume wants to drink on Thursday night, so how about it? Wengwengs for him and Yanka, mojitos for Vicki and Yanka, and something non-alcoholic (I hope) for me?

vicki said...

Hahahahahahaha!!!

yanka said...

Oooh Avril makes me sound so hardcore now.

**meg** said...

Nothing wrong with a little rest and relaxation, sweetie. Mojitos are fine every now and then.
I think we owe it to the people that we love to be the best we can be.

vicki said...

You are a hardcore chick Yanka!

And you're right Meg, just as they owe it to us to be the best they can be. =)

Ree said...

It's true, Mom must put her oxygen mask on first. You need to nurture yourself before you can be a good nurturer yourself.

Here's a great snippet from the book I mentioned before: "Becoming a person again may involve grieving for the woman you were before you had kids and embracing the human being you are now. So, although it's important to be attuned to what made us feel whole in our past lives--jogging, meditating, practicing spirituality, working, and so on--we also need to acknowledge our new realities. After having children, we may need quiet more than we need a night out. We may need an intellectual outlet. We may need to sit on a park bench and do nothing at all."

In your case...I think you need a spa day and a mojito :-)

vicki said...

I like this book you are reading Riza!! Is there an ebook around somewhere. And, yes, I need the Mojito. But I've decided on a "prolonged spa" by going to the gym again maybe 3x a week. I just found a place I can quite possibly afford with time slots I can work into my schedule. Keep your fingers crossed for me a send a prayer out to the One for support. =)